Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Post Op Appointment

     This afternoon I went for my post op appointment after my D&C. I called my sister a couple of days ago and asked her to come with me. I wasn't sure how I would feel sitting in the waiting room. Calli went with me, and we chatted the whole time. It was a good distraction. I love my sister so much. I can't believe she has been through this as many times as she has and she's still sane. Every time I get defeated thinking I can't survive this. I think about her and know God will be faithful to me as well.

     I actually had a genuine smile for Brittany when she took me back to the exam. I was amazed when I stepped on the scale and weighed less than my surgery date. I haven't been eating a whole lot, but honesty what I've eaten hasn't been all that nutritional either. I've eaten every bit of cake, candy, and ice cream people have brought me. I have been drinking a ton of water though. They weren't very busy when I went in, and Brittany sat and chatted with me for a bit while I was waiting on Dr. Peppler. We talked about how I'm doing, how I feel, how I've been easing back into normal. I told Brittany that I don't know how women who don't have a relationship with the Lord make it through this kind of thing, I told her I'd be a crazy person if I didn't have the Lord. She told me they were glad I came back to the office. She said a lot of times, women change doctors because going back is too hard. They have been through so much with me, I can't imagine going to anyone else.

     Dr. Peppler came in and examined me. She also said she was glad I came back. She said she would've understood if I had went somewhere else, but she's really glad I stayed with her. I told her we've been through so much together I can't imagine going to any other doctor. I jokingly told her she'd have to get a restraining order to get rid of me. She laughed and said, "well if I catch you outside my house with binoculars, this relationship is over." It was the first time I laughed and didn't immediately feel guilty afterwards. Joshua and LeighAnn are right. Finding my new normal and moving forward with my life doesn't diminish my love for my baby. I'm beginning to realize that just because I won't mother this baby the way I get to mother Logan and Lucas doesn't mean I stop living. It means I still move forward and try my best to be the mother that baby (and Logan and Lucas) need and deserve. 

      Dr. Peppler said I'm healing as well as to be expected for how far along in my pregnancy I was when the miscarriage occurred. I told her how really overall I'd had a couple of days that were really pretty good, but then I would just suddenly feel really overwhelmed and just so emotional and crash. She said that was normal too. First because I'm grieving my loss and second because I was almost at the peak of pregnancy hormones when the loss occurred and it'll take more than a couple of weeks for my hormones to even out.

     We also talked about when we could start trying to get pregnant again if that what we want and when we're ready for that. We both want to try again. But I want to make sure physically I'm back 100%, and I want to make sure emotionally I'm in a good place as well. I need to make sure I'm strong enough to handle if we should get pregnant and miscarry again. My grieving has been hard on all my boys, especially Joshua and Logan. Lucas is young enough still that he doesn't fully comprehend what has happened. Really he knows that everyone, especially Mommy is sad. He knows Jesus is taking care of his baby.

     I had really been dreading my post op appointment aside from seeing Brittany and Dr. Peppler. I was afraid I would be miserable and cry the entire time. But really it gave me hope. Hope that I'll be okay physically and emotionally. Hope that maybe we can try again and have another baby. Hope that there really is light at the end of my tunnel and that maybe just maybe it growing a little brighter every day. Maybe I'm still too far away to really see that the light is getting brighter.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
Psalm 23:4 (NASB)

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