Saturday, January 18, 2014

Baby Steps

     I've begun taking baby steps back into the real world. Yesterday my brother took me to school to drop off some of Logan's completed work and to pick up the work he missed Friday. I put on one of my nicer sweatsuits, a cap, earrings, and wedding ring. I didn't put on makeup because I was afraid I would see someone and cry. Then my make up would run and I'd look like a bigger mess. If that were possible.

     While I was there, I saw LeighAnn, Todd, and Andrea in the lunchroom. I got hugs and words of encouragement. Before I went I was scared about how I would feel and how I would react. I teared up a couple of times, but really it felt good to be with friends who care about me and are praying for me. Then I went upstairs (I took the elevator) to see Elizabeth. She's become an awesome friend. Even though we've only known each a year and a half, it feels like we've been friends my whole life. I got more hugs and encouragement. On the way out, I saw Brent who let me know that he's praying for my family. He also checked on Logan because he's been out with fever. My brother was absolutely wonderful. He drove me, followed me around, and made sure I wasn't overdoing it. We were gone less than an hour, but I was completely worn out, hurting, and woozy by the time we got home. 

     This morning one of my dearest and best friends picked me up and took me to MiMi's Cafe for breakfast. I actually put on a little bit of make up for the first time since Monday when I found out I lost the baby. Heather and Joel just happened to be in town for the wedding of our dear friend, and we already had this breakfast date planned. Our other friend Rikki was suppose to join us, but wasn't able to. We ate breakfast and talked about life and how I'm feeling. I admitted to Heather that I felt guilty when I called her Monday morning because it had been awhile since I'd called her to chat and I'd called her because my world was ending. The last time I called her was actually to tell her I was pregnant. She assured me she's my friend and that is what she is here for. Heather and Joel both have walked through several hard seasons of life with me. They are more like family to me. When Heather dropped me off, Joshua said "you look tired, but I can tell your spirit is lifted. Time with Heather is always so good for you." 

     We also went to the wedding of our dear friend Jeff today. It was good for both of us to share in the joy of our friend. We sat with Heather, the boys and Miss Janice. Logan and Lucas were so excited to see their best buddies Josiah and Grayson. It did my heart good to see our boys back together and having fun. We were able to spend a little bit of time with Joel as well. We saw several friends from church who loved on us and let us know they are praying. Several of current and former youth group members were there and hugged me and loved on me as well. We had to leave early because I suddenly started cramping and was in quite a bit of pain. I overdid it today. I felt like because I was sitting most of the time I would be okay, but I guess I wasn't. I'm in the recliner with my feet propped up and I'm still hurting pretty badly and feeling pretty woozy. My boys are all being so good to me. Bringing me what I need and helping me to the restroom. 

     When you get married they say your sorrows are halved and your joys are doubled. After this week, I feel that way with my brothers and sisters in Christ as well. There have been many, many times when my grief, our grief would be about to completely overwhelm me/us to the point of paralyzation when someone would call, text, or message to let us know they love us and are praying. In those moments God would give me/us the grace and strength to continue on. I know that now it is dark and I don't think it'll ever be light again, but I see how God is providing exactly what we need when we need it; it'll be a long time before we are anywhere close to being okay. Today was the first day since we learned baby Shaw was gone that I felt like I might be okay eventually. I know we have a long road of healing ahead, but it starts with one step. 

     I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. 
Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; 
Yes, wait for the Lord. 
(Psalms 27:13, 14 NASB)

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