Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Moment by Moment

   I'm learning that I have to live moment by moment. And I don't know when I'll be overwhelmed with the pain. 

     This morning I teared up as I filled out the enrollment form for Logan and Lucas for school next year, and I realized all the time I planned on having with the just the baby wasn't going to happen. 

     I started sobbing when I picked up Logan's shoes and realized I'll never pick up shoes for Baby Shaw. I'll never pick up and wash a million pieces of clothing. I'll be honest Joshua will never wash a million pieces of clothing for the baby. 

    I teared up last night when I realized I'll never pack a lunch or double check his/ her backpack checking to make sure they have everything they need for school. 

     I cried after dropping Lucas off at school because I realized I'll never look in the rear view mirror and see Logan and Lucas talking to or playing with the baby on the way home from school. 

     I learn every day how not okay I am. How unpredictable my emotions and reactions are. I badly want to be back with my students, but I'm terrified that something will trigger my pain and I'll lose it in front of them. 

     Logan didn't want to go to school this morning because he was afraid I would cry and be upset and he wouldn't be here to cheer me up. No seven year should feel that is their responsibility. Lo and Luc deserve so much better from me, and I feel helpless to do anything about it. 

     People keep telling me it'll get easier. I feel like it's getting harder and harder every day. It feels like I'm going to be this big, unpredictable, sobbing mess for the rest of my life. And it's completely out of my control. 

     I seriously don't know how people survive this without Jesus. I would've curled up in a ball and lost the will to go on. 

     I was ready to call this day a failure when I read this verse on Facebook. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. (Isaiah 43:2 NASB)

     This gives me hope for tomorrow. 

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