Tuesday, October 21, 2014

People Pleasing

     Hello, my name is Kaydi, and I'm a people pleaser.

     People pleasing is something I've struggled with all of my life. I have done many things I didn't want to because I didn't want to let someone down. I've also not done things I wanted to because someone else disapproved. It's a deadly trap I walk right in to far too often. 

     I've been reading The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst. It's all about making wise decisions and discerning which assignments are the ones God has for you. It's been very convicting for me. 

     I often find myself trying to juggle things in my life to help someone else. Sometimes, I believe God has called me to do that. But I know I've rearranged my life around others plenty of times when I didn't have to and certainly didn't need to. I had more than enough on my own plate without taking something off of someone else's. 

     I'm working on thinking through the consequences of what my yes or no could bring. Then praying God would give me wisdom and discernment to choose yes when yes is His will, and for the courage to say no when it's not my assignment. 

Fearing people is a dangerous trap, 
but trusting the LORD means safety. 
(Proverbs 29:25 NLT)

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Our Week in Pictures

Sunday: The boys were sick, so we stayed home and rested. Sunday evening I finally put out my fall decor. 

Monday: Joshua took me to Cheesecake Factory to celebrate my birthday early. 

Tuesday: We celebrated my birthday as a family. Only Lucas went to his swim lesson. Logan told me he didn't want to go, so I checked him, and sure enough, he had fever. 

Wednesday: We lit a candle in memory of Liana for Pregnany and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Lucas and I went to AWANA and then left early for his make up swim lesson. Logan was still sick. 

Thursday: Both boys went to their final swim lesson. Logan still had a slight temperature, but I let him go. 

Friday: I drove down to Glen Rose with my mom, Rebecca, and Rachel for Ladies Retreat with our church. Before we left, Joshua took off part of my front dash, so he could fix my iPhone connection.

 Saturday: My mom dressed up for the photo booth. 

And Alabama had a huge blow out win over A&M (59-0)! Roll Tide!

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Fall Swim Lessons Complete

      The boys finished up swim lessons on Thursday. This week, they had lessons on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Logan missed Tuesday and Wednesday because he was sick and didn't want to go. He went for the last one on Thursday because even though he still had fever, he said he felt like he could swim. Both boys graduted to the next level. Lucas will move to the dolphin class in the spring, and Logan will move to level 3. Logan is still doing this funky thing with his legs from time to time, but he's doing much better at having straight leg kicks.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

     Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. This day has been important to me in the past as I've remembered the babies my sister and our friends have lost. This is the first one since we lost our Liana. I anticipated today being very hard. Like I've lost ground in my healing process hard.

     But it wasn't. I stopped and bought a candle to burn in Liana's memory after I dropped Lucas off at school this morning. When I returned home, I snapped a picture of the candle with Liana's sono picture and posted to social media. I shed a few tears as I wrote the caption for the picture. But really I've been okay. 

     That lit candle has been a symbol of hope today. Each time, I've looked at it, I've been reminded that even in the darkest, blackest moments of grief, there has always been this flicker of hope shining. That burning candle has brought more smiles than tears today. 

     I think I'm finally coming to grips with the reality that my two biggest fears are unfounded. Liana will never, ever be forgotten by Joshua, Logan, Lucas, and I. I know there are others who will never forget her either. And Liana's life and death have a purpose. We don't fully understand it in our human reasoning. Liana accomplished something in 14 weeks in the womb that I've yet to accomplish in 32 years-God's work for her life. That's all I want for my children~to know Jesus, to love Jesus, to walk with Jesus and do His work. To shine their lights for Him. Just like that candle. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Birthday Celebration

     Last night, Joshua took me to Cheesecake Factory for an early birthday date.

     My mom made me breakfast this morning before work. Then I redeemed my free Starbucks coffee on the way to work and enjoyed my Salted Caramel Mocha. Leigh Ann had a little treat for me, and my boss gave me a card. My coworkers sang Happy Birthday to me as instigated by sweet friend, Cara. When I came home, the boys had made sweet cards for me, and they had gotten me a cake. We had my favorite chicken tortilla soup for dinner. My brother was able to call. Then I took Lucas to his swim lesson. Unfortunately Logan is running a fever tonight, and wanted to skip his lesson. That's how I knew he was sick. 

    I'm thankful for the many friends who wished me happy birthday on Facebook. Today was a good day. 

Monday, October 13, 2014


     Today has been a day of reflection for me. About this time last year, it seemed our prayers was beginning to be answered. My niece, Justice, was finally going home after a long stay in the NICU. We would soon find out, we were expecting our third baby. A baby we had prayed, hoped, and tried for for over three years.

     Then we lost our baby girl, Liana, and our world was turned upside down. Losing her has been the single most horrific thing I have gone through in my life. I have lost plenty of loved ones, close family and friends, but this loss has far surpassed them all. My heart still aches. Even in joyful moments.

     God has taught some important lessons. Lessons I may not have learned or understood to this depth had I not gone through this terrible loss.

    Jesus is enough. I had thought I understood this. But it was never more tested than it has been in the months since we lost Liana. When the tears won't stop, and the pain and grief is overwhelming, He is enough. Jesus is my comfort. He keeps me not just functioning, but living. With Jesus, I have walked through the most difficult months of my life, and I know I'm going to be okay. He is enough for me and every need.

    In the darkest of nights. In the most overwhelming of sorrow and grief. In any circumstance, there is always something to be thankful for. Even when you don't think there is. Even when you would rather wallow in self-pity, there is always a reason to be thankful. I've learned the more you look for reasons to be thankful for, the more reasons you find. I am thankful for my baby girl. I am thankful for the lessons I've learned from her loss. I am thankful for the friends who have comforted, supported, encouraged, and loved me through this difficult time. And I have so, so many more reasons to be thankful.

     God does work to bring good from all situations when we are striving to live for Him. So many women have reached out to me to share their stories with me. And so many women have reached out to share with me how my journey, how Liana has changed their life. How the Lord has used Liana to help them heal. How my faith has encouraged them. Really it isn't about me or Liana. It's really about Him. His will. His purpose. I'm learning to accept the fact that my definition of good and His definition of good are often two very different things. His good is far beyond what I can imagine. Always.

     There is joy even in sorrow. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it when you're in grief dark as the blackest of nights, but it's there. Joy is little arms around your neck and whispered I love yous. Joy is a Sonic vanilla coke after an especially hard day. Joy is shared laughter with a friend. Joy is cards, pictures, and notes from sweet students. Joy can be found in many small moments throughout the day. Just like thankfulness, sometimes you have to be purposeful about looking for it.

"Rejoice always, pray continually. 
Give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God for you 
in Christ Jesus."
I Thessalonians 5:16-18