Wednesday, January 22, 2014

A Better Day

     Today was better. Not great. Not good. Not okay. Just better than the dark day that was yesterday.

     I faced a difficult thing today. It was painful. I cried. But it wasn't as earth shattering as I thought it would be. I was standing in the teacher workroom making copies for tomorrow, when a fellow teacher asked how I was feeling. I looked at him and asked if he wanted the honest answer and I kinda laughed. His response was if you're vomiting all the time, it must be a girl.

    My heart stopped for a moment. I took a deep breath and told him. "I lost my baby last week. I went for a check up and there wasn't a heartbeat. I had surgery last Wednesday." He hugged me. He felt so bad. I cried and felt bad that he felt bad. He apologized and told me he didn't know. He was sorry. They had had five miscarriages. He told me I needed time and to take care of myself. 

     It was hard. I cried. But the world kept turning. 

     LeighAnn texted me last night. She told me that moving forward won't change how much I love my baby. That's what I'm afraid of. That going on with life means letting go of my baby like he/she wasn't important. That because I move on it means I don't love that child like I do Logan and Lucas. LeighAnn was right though. Moving forward doesn't change my love for the baby.

     I saw Camille at dismissal and told her today wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be. I'd thought it'd be harder because it's been a week since my surgery. Camille told me I can't live in the past. I have to look forward. I need to find something positive to look forward to. She's right. I can't live in the past and I can't wallow in my own self pity. It's not good for me or Joshua or my boys. 

     After talking to one of my bosses today I feel less apprehensive about going back to work tomorrow. He said they were there for anything I need. To take the time I need. They want me to take care of me. I'm going back to work tomorrow. No matter when I go back it'll be hard. At school I have a great support system of friends who love and encourage me. My students were excited when they saw me at school today. They're ready for me to be back. It'll help me to focus on them. And if I get overwhelmed, I have people who love me to help me get through it. 

     I know the dark days aren't past, but today wasn't quite as dark. And I'm thankful for that. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. 
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
 Nor will the flame burn you."
(Isaiah 43:2 NASB)

And just for fun-my boys with their crazy hair for AWANA tonight!