Thursday, January 16, 2014

Our Baby is Gone

     My baby is gone. It's my first thought every morning when I wake up. This time last week I was excitedly discussing our baby with my ADK sisters. Tonight I'm holding back tears. Saturday morning I told the ladies I serve with on the women's ministry team that I couldn't take anything on after the Spring because everything was dependent on baby Shaw. Now I don't know what I'm going to do.

     Our trip to Yogi Bear Park was planned 5 weeks before my due date so we would have one more fun trip before baby Shaw. I've told Heather multiple times I would make a trip to Arkansas to see them while I could still travel. I wasn't sure when I would be able to come again because of the baby. We were going to do all these things around the house to prepare for the baby. 

     I feel empty. Our baby is gone. I feel lost. All of our plans have revolved around our sweet baby that we'll never hold. I stare at the empty bassinet in my bedroom and ask Why?. No answer comes. 

    I did normal things today with the boys like homework and ham sandwiches. I feel like I was just going through the motions. Doing what I have to do because it needs to be done. I feel guilty about that. Like I'm cheating my boys of their mom because I'm so overwhelmed with my own grief. 

     I want to breathe without it hurting and taking every ounce of energy I have. I want the desire to move on, but I'm afraid of the consequences of that. I'm afraid one day I'll wake up and my baby is gone won't be my first thought. I'm afraid that letting go of the pain means letting go of my baby and I don't want that. I'm afraid that holding on to the pain and the baby means that Joshua and Logan and Lucas won't get the best of me. They deserve way better than that. 

     Part of me died when my baby died. I can never go back and be that person again. Monday morning I told Brittany I wanted to fast forward to July so I could have my baby. Today I want to rewind to before I lost our baby. And live in that moment with my Joshua and my boys forever. 

     I feel empty, but I have hope. I feel lost, but I have peace. I'm overwhelmed, but I am comforted. Just when I feel I've reached the depths of despair, He whispers to me and reminds He is there. The Great I AM is what I need to pull me through. Jesus is everything I need when I need it. Before I even know I need it. 

And my God will supply your every need according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19 NET)

This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, 
(Hebrews 6:19, 20 NASB)

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