Friday, January 24, 2014

Let It Go

     I don't normally write about Joshua. He is a much more private person than I am. He had gotten upset with me one time a couple of years ago about something I wrote, and since then I've mostly avoided writing about him. He came to me out of the blue and told me it was okay to write about him.

     I could not walk through this loss of our baby without Joshua. Joshua is such a pillar of strength for me. He is the only person who has seen the depths of my despair the last almost two weeks. He has loved me. He has prayed for me. He has pointed me to Jesus. All of this while he is hurting too.

     This is our baby. This is the baby we longed for. This is the baby we prayed for. This is the baby we tried to have for 3 years. This is the baby we had all but given up hope that we would have. This is the baby that took us by surprise. This is the baby that Logan and Lucas had wanted and prayed for and loved the minute we told them about her/him. This is the baby we hoped would be a girl. That Logan and Lucas would finally get their sister. That Joshua would finally get the daughter he has wanted for so long.

     This is also the baby that Joshua because of his work schedule was never able hear the heartbeat. This is the baby that Joshua never saw move on the ultrasound. I wrote a while back that I was angry about that. I still am. It was a couple of days after that post that Joshua asked me if I was angry at him. I cried. "Of course I'm not angry with you; I'm angry at God. Why would He finally give us the baby we want and then not even allow you to hear the heartbeat or see the baby move? Why would He do that?"

     I'll never forget Joshua's look of compassion and the pleading and love in his voice when he cupped my face with his hands and said, "Please don't be angry with God, Kaydi. Please let it go. He's the only One who can put you,  put us back together."

     Broken is a hard place to be. Broken is where we live for now. This afternoon I was working through an online Bible study I'm a part of. The song You Are More by Tenth Avenue North was a song that was shared. As I listened to it, two little lines hit me a big way.

This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to

     Our baby died. The approximately 14 weeks I carried our baby in my womb is all the time we get.  14 weeks of joy. 14 weeks of hopes. 14 weeks of plans. 14 weeks of prayers. 14 weeks of love. 14 weeks. I trust that one day the memory of those 14 weeks will bring a smile instead of tears. Regardless of what happens, this will always be our third baby. We will always love of our baby and long to hold him or her and know him or her. 

     I pray these 14 weeks of joy followed by our loss and brokenness strengthens us individually, strengthens our marriage, and strengthens our family. I pray that it brings us closer to Jesus. I pray that our brokenness is not about where we've been and what we're experiencing, but that our brokenness will be about making us like Christ. Let our brokenness be about where Christ is taking us and the work He wants to do in our lives, in our marriage, and in our family. 

     I trust that one day these 14 weeks with our baby followed by this time of sorrow and brokenness will be filled with more joy for what we had than sorrow for what we lost.

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