Lucas's Small Victory

     My lil Lucas is definitely opinionated and his own person. He loves going to school. He has so much fun. The one thing Lucas is not always thrilled about is practicing writing his name or the alphabet. If he can't do it perfect the first attempt, he doesn't want to even try after that. Logan was and sometimes still is very much the same way when learning new things.

     Yesterday Lucas came home with letter writing practice for the letters Rr and Dd that is due Tuesday. I knew it was going to be a struggle to get him motivated to even sit down to do it. Much to my surprise, this afternoon when I finally made it home, he asked to do his homework. He got his pencil box and sat down at the table with the Rr letter page. 

     I told him that he should write his name first. I told him to write L. He wrote u on his own. Then I wrote c and he copied it. He wrote a and then copied the s. Today was the first time, he legibly wrote his name all on his own. 

     He has recognized his name written for a long time, but didn't know all the individual letter names. I was so thrilled that he knew the names for not only L (which he's known for a long time), but u, and a as well. Grammie, Logan, and I made a really big deal celebrating his success! He wanted me to put it on Facebook so of course,  I posted it to IG, Twitter, and Facebook. He was so excited when his teacher Miss Cheryl commented "Way to go Lucas!!!" on the photo. I told him now that we all know he can do it, he should be able to write his name on all his papers at school. 

     Here is how he wrote his name on his letter Dd book at school on Thursday. Just an upside down L. 

     This is what he wrote today! 

     Yep! The lil stinker had been holding out on us. Then he practiced writing the letter Rr with a cheerful heart. 

     Tonight I'm thankful for the big "small" victories my boys experience! It's also a good reminder for me that I can do all things (even the things I want to give up after one attempt~like saying no to the cookies we baked as part of Logan's homework) through the power of Christ.

"I can do all things through Him [Christ] who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13 (NASB)

Alphabet Night at AWANA

     Last night was alphabet night at AWANA. The boys had to pick a letter and wear as many things as they could find that started with their letter. I choose Bb for Lucas because he was wearing blue already. While I was helping Lucas find his items, Logan also decided to be the letter Bb. They both wanted to wear their Transformer Bumblebee toy. They have been perfecting their "too cool" expressions. Logan told me I only take a million pictures and he can only smile so much. Also the backwards caps are the boys trying to be like Uncle Josh. Don't they look like hot messes?!

Who I Am

• I am a child of the King who has been bought with a price. (I Corinthians 6:19-20)
• I am a forgiven and redeemed child of the King. (Colossians 1:14)
• I am complete in Christ. (Colossians 2:10)
• As His child, I am free from condemnation. (Romans 8:1-2)
• I cannot be separated from His love. (Romans 8:35-39)
• I am confident He will complete His good work in me. (Philippians 1:6)
• I am God's workmanship. (Ephesians 2:10)
• I am strengthened and able to do all thing through Him. (Philippians 4:13)
• I am an accepted child of God. (1 Corinthians 1:2)
• I am a forgiven child of God. (Romans 3:24)
• I am a confident child of God. (Ephesians 3:12)

     This is who I am. No lie of Satan nor any circumstance can change the truth of who I am in Christ. He bought me with a price, accepted me as His own,  and NOTHING can separate me from His love. I am DETERMINED to live out the truth of who I am.

Post Op Appointment

     This afternoon I went for my post op appointment after my D&C. I called my sister a couple of days ago and asked her to come with me. I wasn't sure how I would feel sitting in the waiting room. Calli went with me, and we chatted the whole time. It was a good distraction. I love my sister so much. I can't believe she has been through this as many times as she has and she's still sane. Every time I get defeated thinking I can't survive this. I think about her and know God will be faithful to me as well.

     I actually had a genuine smile for Brittany when she took me back to the exam. I was amazed when I stepped on the scale and weighed less than my surgery date. I haven't been eating a whole lot, but honesty what I've eaten hasn't been all that nutritional either. I've eaten every bit of cake, candy, and ice cream people have brought me. I have been drinking a ton of water though. They weren't very busy when I went in, and Brittany sat and chatted with me for a bit while I was waiting on Dr. Peppler. We talked about how I'm doing, how I feel, how I've been easing back into normal. I told Brittany that I don't know how women who don't have a relationship with the Lord make it through this kind of thing, I told her I'd be a crazy person if I didn't have the Lord. She told me they were glad I came back to the office. She said a lot of times, women change doctors because going back is too hard. They have been through so much with me, I can't imagine going to anyone else.

     Dr. Peppler came in and examined me. She also said she was glad I came back. She said she would've understood if I had went somewhere else, but she's really glad I stayed with her. I told her we've been through so much together I can't imagine going to any other doctor. I jokingly told her she'd have to get a restraining order to get rid of me. She laughed and said, "well if I catch you outside my house with binoculars, this relationship is over." It was the first time I laughed and didn't immediately feel guilty afterwards. Joshua and LeighAnn are right. Finding my new normal and moving forward with my life doesn't diminish my love for my baby. I'm beginning to realize that just because I won't mother this baby the way I get to mother Logan and Lucas doesn't mean I stop living. It means I still move forward and try my best to be the mother that baby (and Logan and Lucas) need and deserve. 

      Dr. Peppler said I'm healing as well as to be expected for how far along in my pregnancy I was when the miscarriage occurred. I told her how really overall I'd had a couple of days that were really pretty good, but then I would just suddenly feel really overwhelmed and just so emotional and crash. She said that was normal too. First because I'm grieving my loss and second because I was almost at the peak of pregnancy hormones when the loss occurred and it'll take more than a couple of weeks for my hormones to even out.

     We also talked about when we could start trying to get pregnant again if that what we want and when we're ready for that. We both want to try again. But I want to make sure physically I'm back 100%, and I want to make sure emotionally I'm in a good place as well. I need to make sure I'm strong enough to handle if we should get pregnant and miscarry again. My grieving has been hard on all my boys, especially Joshua and Logan. Lucas is young enough still that he doesn't fully comprehend what has happened. Really he knows that everyone, especially Mommy is sad. He knows Jesus is taking care of his baby.

     I had really been dreading my post op appointment aside from seeing Brittany and Dr. Peppler. I was afraid I would be miserable and cry the entire time. But really it gave me hope. Hope that I'll be okay physically and emotionally. Hope that maybe we can try again and have another baby. Hope that there really is light at the end of my tunnel and that maybe just maybe it growing a little brighter every day. Maybe I'm still too far away to really see that the light is getting brighter.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

Psalm 23:4 (NASB)

Rejoice and Be Glad

     This morning I am choosing to be thankful and rejoice that Lord blessed us with the third child we've wanted for so long. I am choosing to rest in the knowledge that I will meet my baby in heaven one day. I will rejoice and be glad for each day the Lord gave me with our baby and for each day He gives me with Logan and Lucas.

"This is the day which the LORD has made;

Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Psalm 118:24 (NASB)

Overwhelmed

    I'm feeling a little (okay a lot) overwhelmed tonight. The world has kept on spinning and I'm still trying to catch up from when my world stopped. My students and their families have been so amazing. My administration and coworkers have been so understanding and supportive. Our church family has loved on and taken care of us. I just feel overwhelmed. My world had stopped and everyone else kept moving forward. And I'm still running trying to catch up. I keep hearing how brave I am. How strong I am. And it doesn't feel that way at all to me. I feel broken. And weak. And overwhelmed. I didn't sleep well last night and maybe that coupled with a full day at work has led to feeling overwhelmed.

    I can say that today I was blessed when I received a quick visit from a dear friend, a beautiful plant from a student, an amazing piece of cheesecake from a friend, a hug and shared joy with a sweet friend, a treat from my husband, dinner made by mom, and hugs and kisses from my boys. And my lil Lucas prayed the sweetest prayer last night, "Thank you God for taking care of my baby."

"Cast all your anxiety on the Him because He cares for you."

I Peter 5:7 (NIV)

Game Time

     We have been playing a lot of board and card games recently. They are a good distraction for me. Lucas is finally old enough where he can focus and finish a game. Logan is old enough that he is able to play some games that I enjoy as well. UNO is definitely one we all enjoy right now. Logan and I played after dinner tonight and went through the deck almost three times before I finally won. I think he was ready for the game to be over and let me win. :) Lucas and I played Spongebob Operation and Jake and the Neverland Pirates matching this morning while Logan was at school. Lucas definitely has a competitive streak in him. I don't think he'll ever let me win. :)

 

10 Years

     I realized this morning that yesterday, it had been 10 years since Joshua stood in my parents' living room and asked my dad for permission to date me. I look at this picture of us and think we had no clue where this journey together was going to take us.

     We've been on many mountains and walked through many valleys. We're in the midst of a pretty deep, dark valley now. But we'll make it through to the other side. The Lord has been faithful to us in the past, and He will continue to be faithful to us. I wouldn't change one joy or hardship we've had because all things have strengthened our relationship with each other and with the Lord. At this point, it's hard for me to say I wouldn't change this miscarriage. But I trust that one day I'll look back on this and see how God used this to make us stronger and more like Him.

"Iron sharpens iron,

and one man sharpens another."

Proverbs 27:17 (ESV)

A Failed Sleepover & Breakfast at MiMi's

     The boys were picked up by Papaw on Friday afternoon to spend the weekend. The idea was originally Logan's. But then he kept going back and forth about wanting to go. At the last minute he decided he would go. The house was so quiet and I was able to work through my Bible study and watch TV. But I really missed the boys. The quiet house was really hard.

     Before bed, I called to tell the boys goodnight. Logan was sobbing when he got on the phone because he wanted to come home. He NEVER does that. He usually wants to stay longer. The loss of our baby has been so hard on him. I told him I would come get him. He insisted Daddy come too, so I would be safe. It's a long drive to Weatherford.

     Lucas gets on the phone and says, "I want to stay. I'm having fun. Logan's sad. Leave me here." My thought was love and miss you too son. I assured him he could stay. We got dressed and headed out to Weatherford. 

     When we arrived, Luc was asleep. Logan was packed and ready to go. Justin started crying because he wanted to come with us. He packed a bag and got in the car with us. Before we made it out of the neighborhood, Justin changed his mind. I turned around and took him home. As we were pulling out of Grandma's driveway for the second time, Logan says, "Us children should choose more wish next time." At 10:30 at night, I couldn't have agreed more.

     Saturday morning, Gram took Logan and I to eat breakfast at MiMi's Cafe. It's our favorite breakfast place!!! I was having a really rough morning, so it was a good distraction for me. Logan ordered hot chocolate and the chocolate chip pancakes with bacon. We both loved the hot chocolate. I ordered the Bacon Apple Waffles. It's three petite waffles topped with cinnamon apples and chopped bacon with orange zest and syrup. They were amazing!!! The server told me it was small, so I ordered potatoes and bacon. The waffles were plenty enough on their own for me. Mom had the avocado BLT omelet with an orange cranberry muffin. The omelet is what I usually order. I love their muffins. While we were eating, Logan said we should go there again with our friend Mrs. Butts. We want to try to do that in the near future.

    I had been looking forward to time to myself, but letting the boys go was harder than I thought it would be. I hate that Logan was so upset, but I'm kinda glad he was with me this weekend. I'm so ready for my Luc to come home. We talked to him through FaceTime last night and his smile melted my heart. I love my boys!!!  

Victories

    Camille and LeighAnn have encouraged me to focus on the good things God has for me in the future and to find something positive I can look forward too. Logan and I are going to train for and run a 5K. We had started working toward this before my pregnancy, but shortly after getting pregnant running made me nauseous and I felt awful. We stopped running and shortly after that I got a positive pregnancy test. I talked to Logan and we decided to put it off until after the baby. Well, after the baby came sooner than we thought, but we're going to do it!  I think Camille and her son Dylan may run with us. (Don't worry I won't bore you with a million posts about us running during our training. I promise.)

     I'm working through this online Bible study and today's assignment was to focus on victories this week within the study. It got me to thinking, along with what LeighAnn and Camille said, that maybe I should focus on victories throughout the week as I heal from the loss of our baby. Let me say that the fact that I'm alive and not crying my eyes out every waking moment is a victory. A huge victory. Three other victories stood out to me this week. 

Victory #1~I survived my first encounter with someone who asked about the baby because he did not know I had miscarried. It was hard. I cried. But it wasn't as horrifyingly awful as I had imagined it would be either. It hurt. A lot. But I didn't crumble into the floor. Or turn into a sobbing incoherent mess. Or curl up in the fetal position and wish for death. We talked. We hugged. Life went on. 

Victory #2~I went back to work. It was hard. But I was welcomed back with hugs, lots of love, cards, cookies, flowers, and a great gift of cute office supplies and candy from Elizabeth and Edwin. I received the sweetest notes from my students. Elizabeth and I had lunch. Quite a few of my students were told by their parents why I was out. They told me how sorry they and their families were for my loss. Several told me their mommies had been through the same thing and they now have baby sisters and brothers. The compassion they had for me was so overwhelming. I did have a couple of emotional moments throughout the day where I teared up or cried. My students were amazing. They gave me the minute I needed to pull it together. I did get caught completely off guard one time and had to leave the classroom. Thankfully the kindergarten aid was able to step in. And our secretary who happens to be the parent of one of students hugged me and prayed for me. After a few minutes, I returned to class and we went about our day. 

Victory #3~I survived the most insensitive thing said to me (thus far). Essentially the words your "dead baby" were said very callously to me. My heart stopped. I shook with sobs. And I was ripped to shreds. Thankfully when it occurred I had people around me who comforted me, loved me, and prayed for me until the peace that passes understanding from God took hold of my heart. Once again life went on. It wasn't easy, but I'm a stronger person for it. 

     Joshua and I have been loved and prayed for by so many people through our loss. Your love, prayers, and words of encouragement have helped to make my victories possible this week. Thank you isn't adequate enough, but it'll have to do. 

These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. 
In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." 
(John 16:33 NASB)

Thank you, Brittney, for messaging me this verse. Love you friend!

Let It Go

     I don't normally write about Joshua. He is a much more private person than I am. He had gotten upset with me one time a couple of years ago about something I wrote, and since then I've mostly avoided writing about him. He came to me out of the blue and told me it was okay to write about him.

     I could not walk through this loss of our baby without Joshua. Joshua is such a pillar of strength for me. He is the only person who has seen the depths of my despair the last almost two weeks. He has loved me. He has prayed for me. He has pointed me to Jesus. All of this while he is hurting too.

     This is our baby. This is the baby we longed for. This is the baby we prayed for. This is the baby we tried to have for 3 years. This is the baby we had all but given up hope that we would have. This is the baby that took us by surprise. This is the baby that Logan and Lucas had wanted and prayed for and loved the minute we told them about her/him. This is the baby we hoped would be a girl. That Logan and Lucas would finally get their sister. That Joshua would finally get the daughter he has wanted for so long.

     This is also the baby that Joshua because of his work schedule was never able hear the heartbeat. This is the baby that Joshua never saw move on the ultrasound. I wrote a while back that I was angry about that. I still am. It was a couple of days after that post that Joshua asked me if I was angry at him. I cried. "Of course I'm not angry with you; I'm angry at God. Why would He finally give us the baby we want and then not even allow you to hear the heartbeat or see the baby move? Why would He do that?"

     I'll never forget Joshua's look of compassion and the pleading and love in his voice when he cupped my face with his hands and said, "Please don't be angry with God, Kaydi. Please let it go. He's the only One who can put you,  put us back together."

     Broken is a hard place to be. Broken is where we live for now. This afternoon I was working through an online Bible study I'm a part of. The song You Are More by Tenth Avenue North was a song that was shared. As I listened to it, two little lines hit me a big way.

This is not about where you've been

But where your brokenness brings you to

     Our baby died. The approximately 14 weeks I carried our baby in my womb is all the time we get.  14 weeks of joy. 14 weeks of hopes. 14 weeks of plans. 14 weeks of prayers. 14 weeks of love. 14 weeks. I trust that one day the memory of those 14 weeks will bring a smile instead of tears. Regardless of what happens, this will always be our third baby. We will always love of our baby and long to hold him or her and know him or her. 

     I pray these 14 weeks of joy followed by our loss and brokenness strengthens us individually, strengthens our marriage, and strengthens our family. I pray that it brings us closer to Jesus. I pray that our brokenness is not about where we've been and what we're experiencing, but that our brokenness will be about making us like Christ. Let our brokenness be about where Christ is taking us and the work He wants to do in our lives, in our marriage, and in our family. 

     I trust that one day these 14 weeks with our baby followed by this time of sorrow and brokenness will be filled with more joy for what we had than sorrow for what we lost.

Psalm 84:2

"My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord;

my heart and flesh cry out for the living God."

(Psalm 84:2 NIV)

     This verse is so convicting for me. Especially once I personalized it by replacing "my" with my name. Do I really crave God's presence? The Amplified Bible uses is homesick in place of faints. That really struck me when I read it. Do I crave, desperately want to be in the presence of the Lord to the point of being homesick for it? 

     The NET version replaces cry out with shout for joy. Does my entire being shout for joy to the living God? To be honest, the last week and a half I haven't been very joyful. Not since my miscarriage. The truth is it's been hard to sing for joy. I know the Lord wants to give me joy, but I have to be willing. I know embracing the joy of The Lord and shouting for joy to Him will help me heal. 

Father, I confess I don't crave Your presence to the point of being homesick. But I want to. Place that overwhelming craving for Your presence inside my heart. Father make me homesick for Your presence. Let me not be satisfied until I dwell in Your presence. Father, give me Your joy and let every part of my being want nothing more than to shout for joy to You my living God. 

In the precious name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

A Better Day

     Today was better. Not great. Not good. Not okay. Just better than the dark day that was yesterday.

     I faced a difficult thing today. It was painful. I cried. But it wasn't as earth shattering as I thought it would be. I was standing in the teacher workroom making copies for tomorrow, when a fellow teacher asked how I was feeling. I looked at him and asked if he wanted the honest answer and I kinda laughed. His response was if you're vomiting all the time, it must be a girl.

    My heart stopped for a moment. I took a deep breath and told him. "I lost my baby last week. I went for a check up and there wasn't a heartbeat. I had surgery last Wednesday." He hugged me. He felt so bad. I cried and felt bad that he felt bad. He apologized and told me he didn't know. He was sorry. They had had five miscarriages. He told me I needed time and to take care of myself. 

     It was hard. I cried. But the world kept turning. 

     LeighAnn texted me last night. She told me that moving forward won't change how much I love my baby. That's what I'm afraid of. That going on with life means letting go of my baby like he/she wasn't important. That because I move on it means I don't love that child like I do Logan and Lucas. LeighAnn was right though. Moving forward doesn't change my love for the baby.

     I saw Camille at dismissal and told her today wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be. I'd thought it'd be harder because it's been a week since my surgery. Camille told me I can't live in the past. I have to look forward. I need to find something positive to look forward to. She's right. I can't live in the past and I can't wallow in my own self pity. It's not good for me or Joshua or my boys. 

     After talking to one of my bosses today I feel less apprehensive about going back to work tomorrow. He said they were there for anything I need. To take the time I need. They want me to take care of me. I'm going back to work tomorrow. No matter when I go back it'll be hard. At school I have a great support system of friends who love and encourage me. My students were excited when they saw me at school today. They're ready for me to be back. It'll help me to focus on them. And if I get overwhelmed, I have people who love me to help me get through it. 

     I know the dark days aren't past, but today wasn't quite as dark. And I'm thankful for that. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. 
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
 Nor will the flame burn you."
(Isaiah 43:2 NASB)

And just for fun-my boys with their crazy hair for AWANA tonight! 

Moment by Moment

   I'm learning that I have to live moment by moment. And I don't know when I'll be overwhelmed with the pain. 

     This morning I teared up as I filled out the enrollment form for Logan and Lucas for school next year, and I realized all the time I planned on having with the just the baby wasn't going to happen. 

     I started sobbing when I picked up Logan's shoes and realized I'll never pick up shoes for Baby Shaw. I'll never pick up and wash a million pieces of clothing. I'll be honest Joshua will never wash a million pieces of clothing for the baby. 

    I teared up last night when I realized I'll never pack a lunch or double check his/ her backpack checking to make sure they have everything they need for school. 

     I cried after dropping Lucas off at school because I realized I'll never look in the rear view mirror and see Logan and Lucas talking to or playing with the baby on the way home from school. 

     I learn every day how not okay I am. How unpredictable my emotions and reactions are. I badly want to be back with my students, but I'm terrified that something will trigger my pain and I'll lose it in front of them. 

     Logan didn't want to go to school this morning because he was afraid I would cry and be upset and he wouldn't be here to cheer me up. No seven year should feel that is their responsibility. Lo and Luc deserve so much better from me, and I feel helpless to do anything about it. 

     People keep telling me it'll get easier. I feel like it's getting harder and harder every day. It feels like I'm going to be this big, unpredictable, sobbing mess for the rest of my life. And it's completely out of my control. 

     I seriously don't know how people survive this without Jesus. I would've curled up in a ball and lost the will to go on. 

     I was ready to call this day a failure when I read this verse on Facebook. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. (Isaiah 43:2 NASB)

     This gives me hope for tomorrow. 

Last Monday~When My World Ended

     The title is a little dramatic, but it's honestly how I feel. Last Monday, my world ended. About this time last week, I was sitting in my car sobbing and frantically trying to get Joshua on the phone. I've been reliving last Monday all morning so I decided it was finally time to write about it.

     Last Monday, I got up, got dressed, and got Logan ready for school. We had a normal morning. I said something to my mom about how I needed to take Lucas with me to the doctor, so he could hear the baby's heartbeat to help make it more real for him. Of course Logan heard that and was upset. "No fair, I want to hear my baby's heartbeat." I decided I would check with my doctor later that morning and make my next appointment an afternoon appointment, so both boys could go and hear the baby's heartbeat.

     Logan and I practiced their children's choir songs and AWANA verses in the car on the way to school. We talked about how excited we were for the baby. He asked my plans for the day, and I told him I had to go to Dr. Peppler's and go grocery shopping. Then I would pick him up from school. When we pulled into the school parking lot, he asked me to walk him inside. So I parked and we went inside.

     I walked him to the cafeteria, kissed him, and told him to have a good day. I went down to see if my friend Brittney was in her classroom. It was her first day back from maternity leave. She had her first baby and I wanted to make sure she was doing okay. We visited for a few minutes. I told her, "I wish I could just fast forward to July when I have my baby." "By the time you're pregnant with your third one, you're ready for the pregnancy to be over with by end of the first trimester." I would've never spoke those words if I would have known what was coming. I hugged her, peeked in on Logan in the cafeteria, and then ran upstairs to see Elizabeth before I left. She was working in the office she shares with her husband. I always try to see Elizabeth when I'm at school. I told her, "Logan wanted me to walk him in, so I thought I'd check on Brittney and say hi to you before I head to the doctor." We chatted for a few about her weekend with her friends and how much work for school we both had to do. I told her I was going to the doctor.  She told me to text her and let her know how it went. I told her I would, but it was just a regular appointment and everything will be fine. Once again I would never have spoken those words if I had known what was coming.

     I ran back the house to spend a few minutes with Lucas before heading to my appointment. I told Lucas I would take him with me the next time to hear the heartbeat. I drove to my appointment thinking about all the things I needed to take care of for school and feeling overwhelmed by my list.

     At my last appointment, they told me I would need to pay $140 a month beginning in January for several months plus I would have to pay for my sonograms. Joshua purchased new insurance, so when I got to the office, I asked if they could rerun it before I paid. It took them about 20 minutes but the office manager came back and said that I didn't have to pay them anything. My pregnancy was covered 100%. I immediately texted Joshua "Praise the Lord!!! It's covered 100%!!! I didn't have to pay anything!!!".

     Joshua tried to call me when he saw it, but I had just been taken back to the exam room, so I texted saying I would call when I left. I chatted with my nurse Brittany (I love her!!!). She checked my weight and I hadn't gained any. While I waited for Dr. Peppler, I decided to start reading my friend Krissi's book Windchaser again. Dr. Peppler came in, and asked me if I had any questions. I asked about Lucas coming to hear the heartbeat. She said my next appointment should be another quick check and would be good for him to come. They were going to do the blood test for spina bifida, but it shouldn't take long. She asked if anything was going on, I told her no that I'm just exhausted and food still wasn't appealing. She said I'd come back in 4 four weeks for a regular check up and 5-6 weeks for the anatomy sonogram. She then smiled and said, "Let's check the heartbeat and get you out of here."

     I laid back on the table and pulled up my shirt. She had a hard time finding the heartbeat. She tried all over. I told her, "I'm trying not to panic." She told me to not panic yet that because of my Csections and scar tissue, it could be making it hard to hear the heartbeat. Finally after an eternity probably really no more than 10-15 minutes, she said we would do an ultrasound. Things were probably fine and I'd be on my way. The same thing happened with Lucas at 8 weeks, so I really wasn't worried at this point. I could tell Dr. Peppler wasn't that worried and I figured I would see the heartbeat, make my appointments, and call Joshua about my scare in the car. Someone was using the ultrasound, so I had to wait about 15 minutes before we could go down for it. I read some more of Krissi's book and tried to stay calm. I prayed that God would give me peace and my baby would be okay.

     Brittany came in and took me down to the ultrasound room. She said Dr. Peppler will be with you in just a minute. I hopped up on the table and read some more of book for a few minutes before Peppler came in. Once she got the machine on, I could tell immediately by the look on her face something was wrong. There was no heartbeat and my baby wasn't moving. She zoomed in and out several times and finally looked at me and said, "I'm sorry kiddo, the baby doesn't have a heartbeat." I started crying and she hugged me and told me how sorry she was. That it wasn't my fault; sometimes this just happens. The risk of miscarriage drops in the second trimester, but never completely goes away. Finally, I asked what we needed to do next. She said because I was so far along and I hadn't had an signs of miscarriage, she would need to do surgery to remove the baby. She told me she would let Brittany and the office manager know I would be calling to set it up. She said I should leave, not look at anybody, and call my husband. I should talk to him and call Brittany or Lacy to set up the procedure.

     I made it to my car before I completely lost it. I called Joshua multiple times. He wasn't answering his cell, and the store line was busy. Finally I got through on the store line and told the person who answered, "I need Mr. Shaw. It's an emergency.". Joshua got on the phone and asked what was wrong. Of course I was sobbing and had to repeat myself. He asked me how it happened? why it happened?. I told him I didn't know and Dr. Peppler said we may never know. He said, I'm coming home. Let me call my boss and make sure things here are taken care of. I called my sister a couple of times and couldn't get a hold of her. I called my friend Heather and I couldn't get a hold of her either. When I got home, I realized Elizabeth should be out of class, so I tried to call her and got no answer. I then sent her text letting her know I lost my baby. She immediately called me back. We were on the phone briefly before she got called to an ARD. Her husband Edwin called me to let me know about the ARD and that they loved me and were praying for me. He wanted to make sure I wasn't alone and that I had talked to Joshua. Elizabeth texted me later and asked me if I wanted her to let the administration know. She did that for me. The dean that is immediately over me texted me and told me he was sorry and they would get my class covered for the following day. I told him I would get Elizabeth everything she needed for the sub.

     My sister called after that. I told her what happened. She said she was bringing us dinner and bringing me a book to read when I'm ready. I still haven't looked at the book. I just not ready yet. I had texted our friends Heather and Joel. Joel immediately responded. He was sorry and praying. To let him know if we needed anything. Heather called me back when she saw the missed call and text. I wasn't in a good place when she called, so I kept it short. Joel and Heather have walked through some really difficult seasons of life with me, and it is so hard not having them right here with me. I had texted Krissi and LeighAnn to let them know I had lost my baby. They immediately said they were grieving with me  and praying.

     Joshua came home in the middle of all of that. I told Mom and Lucas. Luc didn't really understand, but just knew Mommy and everybody was really upset. Joshua took me to school to pick up Logan and give Elizabeth the stuff needed for the sub. I went to the classroom to find a book for the sub to read to my first graders. LeighAnn was teaching. She told me she was sorry. She told me that I would be able to try again. I really needed to hear that in that moment. To be reminded that we could try again if we wanted to. It doesn't change the fact that I want this baby, but it does give me hope that we can try again. I saw Elizabeth. She just hugged me and told me how sorry she was. That she would take care of school; that I shouldn't worry about it. I needed to worry about me and take care of myself and my boys. My dean immediately over me came down the hall about that time and hugged me. Told us he was sorry and praying for us. He told us healing would take time, but for me not to worry about school.

     We got Logan from the auditorium. He immediately knew something was up because I was obviously upset and Joshua was with me. I told him we would talk about it in the car. I climbed in the back with him and held his hand while I told him what had happened. I told him that they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat and we lost the baby. He asked if that meant the baby was with Jesus now. I told him yes. He told me, "It's okay mom, Jesus will take care of our baby." I explained that I was going to have to have surgery. That worried him. He was afraid something would happen to me too.

     We got home, fed him a snack, and worked on homework. Joshua called his mom and let her know. Both of our parents were pretty upset. I cried off and on all day. Joshua stayed close to me. I called to set up the surgery. I wanted to do it Tuesday, but the hospital didn't have time until Wednesday. Joshua called his boss and took Tuesday and Wednesday off. I worked on writing lesson plans for the sub and pulling work for Thursday as well. Every time I opened my mouth, I started crying. I couldn't believe my baby was gone. Logan was actually the one who explained to Lucas about the baby in a way he could understand. He told Lucas our baby's heart wasn't working. Our baby was with Jesus. Jesus was holding our baby and taking care of her. (The boys just knew along they were getting a sister.) Lucas came and told me. "Mommy our baby doesn't have a heart anymore. Jesus is holding her. He'll take care of our baby."

     The Monday before we had a sono and everything was great. The previous Thursday we had gotten positive test results telling us that there was a one in ten thousand chance of having a baby with the genetic disorders they had tested for.  I can't understand why we tried for 3 years and I couldn't get pregnant. We had almost given up hope, when we were surprised with this pregnancy. We were so happy. All four of us had wanted this and prayed for this so long. All my blood work and test results had been good. Then the baby is gone.

     We finally got brave enough to post the news on facebook late Monday night. Immediately family and friends sent us their love, prayers, and support. I cried as I read each message. I still cry when I read people prayers/messages for us. Many people have said that I'm strong and brave for sharing our journey. That's really not true. I'm a big broken mess. I have always striven to be a what you see is what you get person. I wouldn't be true to who I am, if I only let you see the good and not the broken. Several people have shared their stories with me, and I know from their experience in my head that I'll be okay eventually. It'll just take time-a lot of time. My heart whispers, "Not today and not anytime soon.". 

Despair to Hope

     I woke up this morning in complete despair. Again. Completely overwhelmed in my grief. Hugging my empty belly and wallowing in self pity. In the middle of my pity party, God reminded me of the verse that says He is near the brokenhearted. So I went looking for that verse because I couldn't remember it word for word. I read through it several times, and began to feel better.

     This Sunday was baby dedications and sanctity of life Sunday. I knew I couldn't handle that today. It's way too soon for me. I feel bad (maybe guilty?) that I wasn't there to see our friends' baby dedications. I love those families so much, but I just didn't feel like I could handle it. I, however, knew I needed to be in Sunday school. I needed to be in God's Word with God's people. Joshua was really concerned about me; after I overdid it yesterday and spent the rest of the evening in pain, he really didn't want to take me. I told him with tears in my eyes, "I need this. Please take me to Sunday School and bring me home. I promise to be good, take a nap, and rest the rest of the day." I made good on that promise.

     I put on makeup for the second day in a row. I put on light eye make up though because I was afraid I would cry. Of course I cried. We received lots of hugs and love from our church family. Our sweet friend, Leah led our Sunday School class in prayer for our family. I cried of course, but really crying makes me feel better. One of the passages we read was 2 Peter 1:3-8. Scott talked about the importance of maturing in our faith. He said that if more Christians were focused on maturing to be more Christ like, our culture would be more reflective of that. In that moment, I was reminded that Jesus is going to use this loss to make Joshua and I more like Himself if we let Him. It's okay to feel these emotions and wrestle through them with God, but we have to choose to hold onto the hope and peace Jesus wants to give us, if we ask and if we receive it.

     Joshua sent me downstairs on the elevator to get Lucas while he went to get Logan. As I was getting in, my friend Sara handed me a gift bag. I thought she was asking me to take it downstairs for her, but she told me it was for me. I could tell it was a blanket with little birds on it, and I started to tear up. Joshua made it to Luc's class about the same time I did. I told him I needed to get to the car, so he sent Logan with me. While we were walking to the car, I pulled the card out of the bag and read it. She told me she didn't really have the words to say, but she made this prayer quilt for me and the three plus hours it took her to make it, she spent praying over me and my family. The tears were really flowing then. When Joshua made it to the car and saw me, he said, "I'm never putting you on the elevator by yourself again." I handed him the card to read. We were both blown away by the time, love, and prayer that went into making my blanket. I'm sitting in my recliner with my blanket as I type this.

     Our friends' hugs, Leah's prayer, Sara's quilt-they are all symbols of the hope we have in Christ Jesus. Jesus is carrying us through this loss, and our brothers and sisters in Christ are instruments of hope He is using to minister to us.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted

And saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18 (NASB)

Baby Steps

     I've begun taking baby steps back into the real world. Yesterday my brother took me to school to drop off some of Logan's completed work and to pick up the work he missed Friday. I put on one of my nicer sweatsuits, a cap, earrings, and wedding ring. I didn't put on makeup because I was afraid I would see someone and cry. Then my make up would run and I'd look like a bigger mess. If that were possible.

     While I was there, I saw LeighAnn, Todd, and Andrea in the lunchroom. I got hugs and words of encouragement. Before I went I was scared about how I would feel and how I would react. I teared up a couple of times, but really it felt good to be with friends who care about me and are praying for me. Then I went upstairs (I took the elevator) to see Elizabeth. She's become an awesome friend. Even though we've only known each a year and a half, it feels like we've been friends my whole life. I got more hugs and encouragement. On the way out, I saw Brent who let me know that he's praying for my family. He also checked on Logan because he's been out with fever. My brother was absolutely wonderful. He drove me, followed me around, and made sure I wasn't overdoing it. We were gone less than an hour, but I was completely worn out, hurting, and woozy by the time we got home. 

     This morning one of my dearest and best friends picked me up and took me to MiMi's Cafe for breakfast. I actually put on a little bit of make up for the first time since Monday when I found out I lost the baby. Heather and Joel just happened to be in town for the wedding of our dear friend, and we already had this breakfast date planned. Our other friend Rikki was suppose to join us, but wasn't able to. We ate breakfast and talked about life and how I'm feeling. I admitted to Heather that I felt guilty when I called her Monday morning because it had been awhile since I'd called her to chat and I'd called her because my world was ending. The last time I called her was actually to tell her I was pregnant. She assured me she's my friend and that is what she is here for. Heather and Joel both have walked through several hard seasons of life with me. They are more like family to me. When Heather dropped me off, Joshua said "you look tired, but I can tell your spirit is lifted. Time with Heather is always so good for you." 

     We also went to the wedding of our dear friend Jeff today. It was good for both of us to share in the joy of our friend. We sat with Heather, the boys and Miss Janice. Logan and Lucas were so excited to see their best buddies Josiah and Grayson. It did my heart good to see our boys back together and having fun. We were able to spend a little bit of time with Joel as well. We saw several friends from church who loved on us and let us know they are praying. Several of current and former youth group members were there and hugged me and loved on me as well. We had to leave early because I suddenly started cramping and was in quite a bit of pain. I overdid it today. I felt like because I was sitting most of the time I would be okay, but I guess I wasn't. I'm in the recliner with my feet propped up and I'm still hurting pretty badly and feeling pretty woozy. My boys are all being so good to me. Bringing me what I need and helping me to the restroom. 

     When you get married they say your sorrows are halved and your joys are doubled. After this week, I feel that way with my brothers and sisters in Christ as well. There have been many, many times when my grief, our grief would be about to completely overwhelm me/us to the point of paralyzation when someone would call, text, or message to let us know they love us and are praying. In those moments God would give me/us the grace and strength to continue on. I know that now it is dark and I don't think it'll ever be light again, but I see how God is providing exactly what we need when we need it; it'll be a long time before we are anywhere close to being okay. Today was the first day since we learned baby Shaw was gone that I felt like I might be okay eventually. I know we have a long road of healing ahead, but it starts with one step. 

     I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. 

Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; 

Yes, wait for the Lord. 

(Psalms 27:13, 14 NASB)

Our Baby is Gone

     My baby is gone. It's my first thought every morning when I wake up. This time last week I was excitedly discussing our baby with my ADK sisters. Tonight I'm holding back tears. Saturday morning I told the ladies I serve with on the women's ministry team that I couldn't take anything on after the Spring because everything was dependent on baby Shaw. Now I don't know what I'm going to do.

     Our trip to Yogi Bear Park was planned 5 weeks before my due date so we would have one more fun trip before baby Shaw. I've told Heather multiple times I would make a trip to Arkansas to see them while I could still travel. I wasn't sure when I would be able to come again because of the baby. We were going to do all these things around the house to prepare for the baby. 

     I feel empty. Our baby is gone. I feel lost. All of our plans have revolved around our sweet baby that we'll never hold. I stare at the empty bassinet in my bedroom and ask Why?. No answer comes. 

    I did normal things today with the boys like homework and ham sandwiches. I feel like I was just going through the motions. Doing what I have to do because it needs to be done. I feel guilty about that. Like I'm cheating my boys of their mom because I'm so overwhelmed with my own grief. 

     I want to breathe without it hurting and taking every ounce of energy I have. I want the desire to move on, but I'm afraid of the consequences of that. I'm afraid one day I'll wake up and my baby is gone won't be my first thought. I'm afraid that letting go of the pain means letting go of my baby and I don't want that. I'm afraid that holding on to the pain and the baby means that Joshua and Logan and Lucas won't get the best of me. They deserve way better than that. 

     Part of me died when my baby died. I can never go back and be that person again. Monday morning I told Brittany I wanted to fast forward to July so I could have my baby. Today I want to rewind to before I lost our baby. And live in that moment with my Joshua and my boys forever. 

     I feel empty, but I have hope. I feel lost, but I have peace. I'm overwhelmed, but I am comforted. Just when I feel I've reached the depths of despair, He whispers to me and reminds He is there. The Great I AM is what I need to pull me through. Jesus is everything I need when I need it. Before I even know I need it. 

And my God will supply your every need according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19 NET)

This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, 
(Hebrews 6:19, 20 NASB)

My Surgery

   This post is another I've written for myself. It's a long rambling mess not unlike myself today. It's mostly unedited. Maybe one day I'll go back and write about it again when I've had some distance and clarity. But this is where I am today-raw and emotional.

    Today was the day I said goodbye to my baby. I woke up this morning in a state of despair. I cried off and on. The truth is I didn't want them to take my baby. I spent the morning lying in bed reading Scripture, messages from friends, and Windchaser by my sweet friend, Krissi Dallas. The Island Krissi created has been a much needed escape for me.

     And to top it off, both my boys started with fever late last night. Lucas hasn't had anymore, but Logan has all day. Anyway, I got dressed and made sure I had the Scripture hearts Leah made for me. I pulled myself together to go to the hospital. Well I thought I did. I lost it every time I had to tell someone what procedure I was having done. And when I had to sign the paper that stated the reason for procedure was a missed abortion.  And then I lost it again when the nurse said it and then clarified that it meant miscarriage. Then I lost it when she asked me how old my other children were. She did get a small smile when she told me I didn't look old enough to have a 7 year old or be 31.And I lost it again when I asked my doctor what was going to happen to my baby and she explained it to me in the gentlest way possible. 

 

     After Dr. Peppler left to tell them she was ready, Joshua hugged me while I cried. He told me he loved me. That our baby was already gone. And that it would be okay. Then he kissed me on top of my head, told me again that he loves, and he would be waiting for me. At that moment everyone came back in the room to get me. They gave me the relaxer before I left the room. I made it into the hallway before I was out. The procedure from start to finish took just over an hour.

     When I woke up (it only took 30 minutes) I was crying, "My baby is gone. My baby is gone." I had a male nurse in recovery and I felt bad for him. I was a mess. Then I was crying for Joshua. They told me they were trying to find him. I was so relieved when he made it to my side. Poor guy, the one time he went to the restroom was when they were trying to find him for me. Then I was confused because I was wearing a different gown. I was a mess. 

     Once they took me back to my room, I lifted up the blanket and saw my tummy. It was much flatter than I expected it to be. That brought the tears again. Joshua held me and whispered that he loves me and it'll be okay. Then I shared some thoughts with him that made me feel guilty that I had had them. I won't share them here because I fear they would cause hurt for some people close to me that I love dearly. 

     The pharmacy texted there was a problem with one of my prescriptions. Joshua called them and they said it wouldn't be ready until 2pm tomorrow. Joshua flipped out and got them to call around and find a pharmacy that had the medicine in stock. I would've cried and said okay. Joshua is much better at handling things like that. It was frustrating at first because they wouldn't tell him which medicine it was. We knew I was suppose to have 4 scripts. Finally they told Joshua which one it was after he flipped out. He got them to call and find a pharmacy close to us that had it in stock because it couldn't wait. It's a medication I take every six hours for six doses. Dr. Peppler had Brittany call it in from her office so I would have it when I needed my second dose. They transferred the prescription and told Joshua it would be ready in an hour and half. That was okay because it should be ready about the time I got home. Joshua got off the phone and apologized. He told me if we couldn't get this, we need to know now so the nurse can get Dr. Peppler to write you a different prescription. You need this medicine. 

      As the anesthesia wore off, I began to feel better. They got my pain under control pretty quickly. I had the best nurse. She was compassionate and encouraging. Never pushy. She brought me water, then 7Up and crackers. She took care of Joshua too. Before we left, I thanked her for being a great nurse. She smiled and said thank you I never know what to say in your situation.  As she wheeled me down to the car, she told me you have a great husband. He seems so supportive and willing to do whatever you need. I can tell he really loves. Not all husband are like that. He's hurting too, but you're his priority.

     On the way home, the pharmacy texted to let us know our prescription was ready. We stopped to pick it up, and then stopped close to home to drop the other prescriptions off. Joshua took me to Sonic for a vanilla coke and then took me home. Once he got me settled, he went to Brooklyn's Best Pizza around the corner and got me dinner.

     My boys were so glad to see me when I got home. They kept hugging me and telling me they missed me. Logan climbed up next to me and told me he was sorry I was hurting, but he was glad I didn't have to go through the pain of having the baby. I've had CSections and Logan remembered how much pain I had been in and how hard it was for me to get around. That made me tear up in a good way. Logan has his daddy's compassionate heart. Logan has said so many timely things to me that made me feel grateful and better. Then Lucas brought his baby book to me and we looked at it together. That helped me too. I was focusing on good times instead of my loss. 

     One regret I have is I never took a baby bump picture. I was going to with the update from Monday's doctor appointment. Then I found out we lost our baby. I've been so overwhelmed with grief that I forgot about doing it until it was too late. 

     I'm very thankful to those who have reached out to me and those who have reached out to my Joshua and my boys. Thank you for sharing our grief and sharing your journey through loss with us. It gives us courage and hope to know we are not alone. 

How I Feel

Warning: This post is as close to how I feel as I can put into words. I really don't have words that can adequately express how I feel. When asked, my response has been "I'm as okay as I can be." "I'm not okay, but I will be one day." or something else along those lines. This is pretty raw and mostly unedited. 

This post really is for me. So that one day when I'm on the other side of this valley I can reflect and praise God for where He brought me from and for how He made me more like Him through this experience. That hope is what is getting me through each moment. 

I'm angry for Joshua that he never heard our baby's heartbeat or saw the baby move on the ultrasound.

I'm devastated that Logan said he would trade his life for the baby's life. That he will never hold the baby he prayed so long and hard for. That this baby will never know how much Logan or any of us loved him or her. 

It's heart wrenching every time I hear Lucas say that his baby's heart stopped and his baby is with Jesus. 

The truth is we don't know what to say to you anymore than you know what to say to us. We appreciate every word, prayer, and gesture spoken or done on our behalf and, we can feel the love behind them. Thank you for reaching out during this difficult time. We love you. 

Stars Game

     Tonight Logan and I went with our church youth group to the Dallas Stars game. Lucas is very much a mama's boy right now and doesn't like to share me with Logan. This was a good opportunity for Lo and I to spend some time together.

     I think Logan was most excited about riding the church bus (at first anyway). On the way to church he told me, "This is my second time to ride the bus! I love riding the bus!"

     He was excited when we arrived at the American Airlines Center. He has been there several times to watch WWE wrestling with daddy. We sat in the top section. He was a little nervous at first because we were so high up. He quickly got over that though. 

      Logan ate almost a whole soft pretzel and three fourths of a tray of nachos. I ate candied pecans. I LOVE those candied pecans. 

     The Stars did loose to the New York Islanders 4-2. The last three goals by the Islanders were scored in the last five minutes of the game. We both really enjoyed the game. Logan said he wants to watch it on TV sometimes and for daddy to bring is to another game. On the way home, he told Joshua, "I want you to take us to a game. If you don't want to watch, you can stay in the car." (Joshua isn't a big sports fan.)

     After the game, we went down to section 117 and heard the GM of the Stars share his testimony. After he shared his testimony, he answered a few questions. He talked about the importance of reading your Bible daily and surrounding yourself with godly friends. 

     I'm so thankful for the teens at our church. They love on my boys and interact with them. They are genuinely interested in them. They are always careful of what they say and do in front of my boys. I don't think the students realize what a huge ministry it is to me that they love my boys so much. 

 

     Logan and I had so much fun! I'm so thankful the memories we made tonight!

We Love JJ!!!

"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well."

(Psalms 139:14 NASB)