Friday, May 30, 2014

The Realization

     The end of school really has been bittersweet for me. I loved my classes and hated saying goodbye. Those little people along with my boys and Joshua were a huge reason why I was able to get out of bed a lot of mornings. Their precious smiles and sweet hugs were often times the physical manifestation of God's grace and comfort that pulled me through some very rough moments. Moments when the loss of my baby was so crushing I didn't think I could go on. 

     But I was ready for summer and less commitments. I could sit on the couch and cry if that was what I needed to do. Or I could just sit with my boys and soak them in. I would have time just to keep busy doing fun things. I thought with less stress grief would be easier. 

     Then 9:15 last Friday night came. School was done. I would've been focused on our baby's arrival. I could be sorting, washing, and folding tiny baby clothes. My shopping list would have included diapers.I should be doing fun little things with the boys that we may not be able to do with a new baby. 

      And the realization hit me that the empty bassinet in my bedroom was going to stay empty. So I cried. I read my heart verses Leah wrote out for me. I think I finally accepted the fact that the closer I get to my due date the harder it is. I'm still in the dark sorrow of night, but I know joy will return. I just have to keep praying and trusting and holding onto Jesus. He is faithful even when I am not. 

"For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."
Psalms 30:5 (NLT)

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