I'm still extremely sad and overwhelmed by grief all the time. That really hasn't changed. Most of the time, I'm able to save my moments for when I'm at home. Mostly they occur at night when I really tired. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst days for me. I walk into my classroom and give my students everything I have. By the end of the day I've worked so hard giving them what they need and trying to keep my grief at bay that I cry myself to sleep most of those nights. I love my students so much and would not change one thing I do for them. My students and my parents have been so good to me and so understanding. I think part of my meltdown last Tuesday was being sick and so tired already that I wasn't sure I could find the strength to hold it together. I'm so thankful for God's grace that got me through that moment and every moment since we lost our baby.
I miss my baby. A lot. I miss knowing my baby was safe in my tummy. I miss Logan and Lucas hugging and kissing my tummy and telling the baby they love the baby. I miss the moments we didn't get to have like feeling the baby kick.
I'm not so much angry anymore for Joshua that he didn't get to hear the baby's heart beat or see the baby move on the ultrasound. I'm more disappointed for Joshua and the boys that they never experienced those things. I am thankful I heard the baby's heart beat a couple of times and saw the baby during two different sonograms. I know that if we were to get pregnant again I would never ever take the baby's heart beat for granted. A baby's heart beat is truly one of the most beautiful sounds in the world. I've always thought that, but I didn't realize the depth of its beauty until I didn't hear it.
I feel guilty that Joshua and the boys have to deal with my grief so much. That it affects them in ways I can't even see. I felt so guilty the day Logan knocked the baby's sono picture over, and he was so apologetic and worried about my reaction. The way he watched me to see if I was going to fall apart is forever etched in my mind.
As much as I've been overwhelmed by grief, I've also been overwhelmed by the kindness and love shown to me and my family. So many people have reached out to minister to us. We have received meals, cards, prayers, encouragement, hugs, and lots of love. The hugs and prayers have meant so much to me. Grief can be a lonely place even when others are grieving with you. Those hugs help me feel a little less lonely.
I'm not the person I was before I lost this baby, and I never will be that person again. I'm trying to make peace with that. I know that God has joy for me. That He has good times ahead for me. It just takes time. I'm still clinging to the truth of Romans 8:28. That God will work good out of all this grief and pain.
"One may experience sorrow during the night, but joy arrives in the morning."
Psalm 30:5b (NET)
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God,
to those who are called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28 (NASB)
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