Monday, July 14, 2014

Liana Elise

     At our 13 week sonogram, which was exactly one week before we found out we lost our baby, they told me there was a good possibility our baby was a girl. Joshua and I were so excited. I wanted to tell the world, but we agreed we would wait for the 20 week gender sono to confirm the baby's sex first.

     Then a week later there was no heartbeat. Several people suggested we pray that God would reveal the gender to us and then name the baby. Even though we had felt all along our baby was a girl, it was still a couple of months before we talked about her as her. We had picked out a girl name eight years ago when we're expecting Logan before we knew he was a boy, but we agreed that name wasn't the right name for this sweet baby girl. 

     We began to pray again. This time that God would lead us to the right name for our baby. I wanted to stay with the initials LE like we did for Logan and Lucas. And we wanted a Biblical name. I googled Biblical "L" names for girls and came across the name Liana. Liana is a shortened form of the Hebrew name Eliana. Both mean my God has answered. We agreed it was the perfect name for our baby. We had prayed for her for so long, and the boys had prayed for a sister. God had answered our prayers. 

     We discussed a couple of E names for her middle name. I really liked Elise and thought it went well with Liana. When I suggested it to Joshua, he liked it, so we looked up the meaning. It's a form of the name Elizabeth and it means consecrated to God or God is satisfaction. When I read the words God is satisfaction, I began to cry. That is a huge thing the Lord has shown us through this journey. He is enough. He is all we need. Only He satisfies. 

     We had named Liana right before Easter, but we weren't ready to share her outside of ourselves yet. When we named her, to me it felt like we lost her all over again. About a month ago, Joshua told me he was ready to share her name. For the boys to know God had given them the sister they wanted, and for the boys to know her as Liana and not just as the baby. 

       Today was Liana's due date. It has been hard. How I wish I could hold my sweet Liana Elise one time and tell her how much I love her. How much we all wanted her.

     Part of me died with her. I'll never be that person again. I don't want to be that person again. I have experienced God's comfort and peace in ways I probably never would have, had I not gone through this experience. My faith has been stretched and grown.

     I've been told over and over how strong I am. I'm not strong at all, but I'm desperately clinging to Jesus, my source of strength. God has shown Himself to be good. He has shown His faithfulness. I have hope because of His unfailing love. Every time, I felt the grief and pain was more than I could bear, that I was beyond desperation, He always provided me just what I needed from His Word. He has walked with me through the darkest valley and given me comfort. I have faith He is working to bring good from Liana's death and from all this pain and grief.
I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. 
Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends! 
His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. 
I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” 
(Lamentations 3:21-24 NLT)

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. 
Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
 (Psalms 23:4 NLT)

1 comment:

  1. That's a beautiful name for a beautiful baby who has beautiful parents. You are such a wonderful woman Kaydi and I am just in awe every day of how willing you've been to allow this loss and experience to open your eyes and heart to Jesus even more. I have thought about you all day and prayed for you and will continue to.