A Hard Thing

     God is asking me to do a hard thing. It started last week when Lucas prayed, "Thank you God for taking care of my baby." It was heart wrenching and heart warming at the same time. Honestly, I can't say that. I just want my baby growing in my belly. I can't be thankful that my baby is gone.

     Then Saturday when Logan and I went for our run, before I could consciously think about it, I started praying. I told God, "I can't tell You thank You. Right now I don't even want to tell You thank You. I just want my baby. Please give me the desire to thank You for taking care of my baby because I'm about as far away from thankful about that that I can get." Those had words had tumbled from my mouth before I really even had a chance to think about them.

      This morning I was working on my Bible study before school. It was about being thankful in all circumstances. Including pain. God spoke to me and said, "Kaydi, you have to thankful for your miscarriage."

      "I don't want to." Spoken like a stubborn, rebellious child who can't see past herself.

    Honestly, I'm not thankful for my miscarriage. I don't want to be thankful for my miscarriage. And yet I hear Him telling me it's for my good. It's to make me more like His Son. I know these things are true. I know everything He allows me to go through is for my good and to make me more like Himself.

     I saw LeighAnn before school this morning. She asked how I'm doing. I told her I shouldn't have done my Bible study before school this morning. I should've waited until tonight. She looked at me. And I told her, "He's asking me to do a hard thing. He wants me to thankful and I don't want to be. So right now, I'm praying He'll give me the desire to be thankful." She smiled and said, "Desire is half the battle." So for now I pray for the desire to be thankful in the midst of my pain.

"God, I know I need to be thankful for my miscarriage. I know it's for my good. I know it's making me more like You. But I don't want to be thankful. I'm about as far from wanting to be thankful as I can be. Give me the desire to want to be thankful for losing my baby. I need Your strength because I can't do it on my own. Use it for Your glory. I want my baby's life to bring You glory."

"Give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

I Thessalonians 5:18 (ESV)