My Surgery

   This post is another I've written for myself. It's a long rambling mess not unlike myself today. It's mostly unedited. Maybe one day I'll go back and write about it again when I've had some distance and clarity. But this is where I am today-raw and emotional.

    Today was the day I said goodbye to my baby. I woke up this morning in a state of despair. I cried off and on. The truth is I didn't want them to take my baby. I spent the morning lying in bed reading Scripture, messages from friends, and Windchaser by my sweet friend, Krissi Dallas. The Island Krissi created has been a much needed escape for me.

     And to top it off, both my boys started with fever late last night. Lucas hasn't had anymore, but Logan has all day. Anyway, I got dressed and made sure I had the Scripture hearts Leah made for me. I pulled myself together to go to the hospital. Well I thought I did. I lost it every time I had to tell someone what procedure I was having done. And when I had to sign the paper that stated the reason for procedure was a missed abortion.  And then I lost it again when the nurse said it and then clarified that it meant miscarriage. Then I lost it when she asked me how old my other children were. She did get a small smile when she told me I didn't look old enough to have a 7 year old or be 31.And I lost it again when I asked my doctor what was going to happen to my baby and she explained it to me in the gentlest way possible. 

 

     After Dr. Peppler left to tell them she was ready, Joshua hugged me while I cried. He told me he loved me. That our baby was already gone. And that it would be okay. Then he kissed me on top of my head, told me again that he loves, and he would be waiting for me. At that moment everyone came back in the room to get me. They gave me the relaxer before I left the room. I made it into the hallway before I was out. The procedure from start to finish took just over an hour.

     When I woke up (it only took 30 minutes) I was crying, "My baby is gone. My baby is gone." I had a male nurse in recovery and I felt bad for him. I was a mess. Then I was crying for Joshua. They told me they were trying to find him. I was so relieved when he made it to my side. Poor guy, the one time he went to the restroom was when they were trying to find him for me. Then I was confused because I was wearing a different gown. I was a mess. 

     Once they took me back to my room, I lifted up the blanket and saw my tummy. It was much flatter than I expected it to be. That brought the tears again. Joshua held me and whispered that he loves me and it'll be okay. Then I shared some thoughts with him that made me feel guilty that I had had them. I won't share them here because I fear they would cause hurt for some people close to me that I love dearly. 

     The pharmacy texted there was a problem with one of my prescriptions. Joshua called them and they said it wouldn't be ready until 2pm tomorrow. Joshua flipped out and got them to call around and find a pharmacy that had the medicine in stock. I would've cried and said okay. Joshua is much better at handling things like that. It was frustrating at first because they wouldn't tell him which medicine it was. We knew I was suppose to have 4 scripts. Finally they told Joshua which one it was after he flipped out. He got them to call and find a pharmacy close to us that had it in stock because it couldn't wait. It's a medication I take every six hours for six doses. Dr. Peppler had Brittany call it in from her office so I would have it when I needed my second dose. They transferred the prescription and told Joshua it would be ready in an hour and half. That was okay because it should be ready about the time I got home. Joshua got off the phone and apologized. He told me if we couldn't get this, we need to know now so the nurse can get Dr. Peppler to write you a different prescription. You need this medicine. 

      As the anesthesia wore off, I began to feel better. They got my pain under control pretty quickly. I had the best nurse. She was compassionate and encouraging. Never pushy. She brought me water, then 7Up and crackers. She took care of Joshua too. Before we left, I thanked her for being a great nurse. She smiled and said thank you I never know what to say in your situation.  As she wheeled me down to the car, she told me you have a great husband. He seems so supportive and willing to do whatever you need. I can tell he really loves. Not all husband are like that. He's hurting too, but you're his priority.

     On the way home, the pharmacy texted to let us know our prescription was ready. We stopped to pick it up, and then stopped close to home to drop the other prescriptions off. Joshua took me to Sonic for a vanilla coke and then took me home. Once he got me settled, he went to Brooklyn's Best Pizza around the corner and got me dinner.

     My boys were so glad to see me when I got home. They kept hugging me and telling me they missed me. Logan climbed up next to me and told me he was sorry I was hurting, but he was glad I didn't have to go through the pain of having the baby. I've had CSections and Logan remembered how much pain I had been in and how hard it was for me to get around. That made me tear up in a good way. Logan has his daddy's compassionate heart. Logan has said so many timely things to me that made me feel grateful and better. Then Lucas brought his baby book to me and we looked at it together. That helped me too. I was focusing on good times instead of my loss. 

     One regret I have is I never took a baby bump picture. I was going to with the update from Monday's doctor appointment. Then I found out we lost our baby. I've been so overwhelmed with grief that I forgot about doing it until it was too late. 

     I'm very thankful to those who have reached out to me and those who have reached out to my Joshua and my boys. Thank you for sharing our grief and sharing your journey through loss with us. It gives us courage and hope to know we are not alone.