Last Monday~When My World Ended

     The title is a little dramatic, but it's honestly how I feel. Last Monday, my world ended. About this time last week, I was sitting in my car sobbing and frantically trying to get Joshua on the phone. I've been reliving last Monday all morning so I decided it was finally time to write about it.

     Last Monday, I got up, got dressed, and got Logan ready for school. We had a normal morning. I said something to my mom about how I needed to take Lucas with me to the doctor, so he could hear the baby's heartbeat to help make it more real for him. Of course Logan heard that and was upset. "No fair, I want to hear my baby's heartbeat." I decided I would check with my doctor later that morning and make my next appointment an afternoon appointment, so both boys could go and hear the baby's heartbeat.

     Logan and I practiced their children's choir songs and AWANA verses in the car on the way to school. We talked about how excited we were for the baby. He asked my plans for the day, and I told him I had to go to Dr. Peppler's and go grocery shopping. Then I would pick him up from school. When we pulled into the school parking lot, he asked me to walk him inside. So I parked and we went inside.

     I walked him to the cafeteria, kissed him, and told him to have a good day. I went down to see if my friend Brittney was in her classroom. It was her first day back from maternity leave. She had her first baby and I wanted to make sure she was doing okay. We visited for a few minutes. I told her, "I wish I could just fast forward to July when I have my baby." "By the time you're pregnant with your third one, you're ready for the pregnancy to be over with by end of the first trimester." I would've never spoke those words if I would have known what was coming. I hugged her, peeked in on Logan in the cafeteria, and then ran upstairs to see Elizabeth before I left. She was working in the office she shares with her husband. I always try to see Elizabeth when I'm at school. I told her, "Logan wanted me to walk him in, so I thought I'd check on Brittney and say hi to you before I head to the doctor." We chatted for a few about her weekend with her friends and how much work for school we both had to do. I told her I was going to the doctor.  She told me to text her and let her know how it went. I told her I would, but it was just a regular appointment and everything will be fine. Once again I would never have spoken those words if I had known what was coming.

     I ran back the house to spend a few minutes with Lucas before heading to my appointment. I told Lucas I would take him with me the next time to hear the heartbeat. I drove to my appointment thinking about all the things I needed to take care of for school and feeling overwhelmed by my list.

     At my last appointment, they told me I would need to pay $140 a month beginning in January for several months plus I would have to pay for my sonograms. Joshua purchased new insurance, so when I got to the office, I asked if they could rerun it before I paid. It took them about 20 minutes but the office manager came back and said that I didn't have to pay them anything. My pregnancy was covered 100%. I immediately texted Joshua "Praise the Lord!!! It's covered 100%!!! I didn't have to pay anything!!!".

     Joshua tried to call me when he saw it, but I had just been taken back to the exam room, so I texted saying I would call when I left. I chatted with my nurse Brittany (I love her!!!). She checked my weight and I hadn't gained any. While I waited for Dr. Peppler, I decided to start reading my friend Krissi's book Windchaser again. Dr. Peppler came in, and asked me if I had any questions. I asked about Lucas coming to hear the heartbeat. She said my next appointment should be another quick check and would be good for him to come. They were going to do the blood test for spina bifida, but it shouldn't take long. She asked if anything was going on, I told her no that I'm just exhausted and food still wasn't appealing. She said I'd come back in 4 four weeks for a regular check up and 5-6 weeks for the anatomy sonogram. She then smiled and said, "Let's check the heartbeat and get you out of here."

     I laid back on the table and pulled up my shirt. She had a hard time finding the heartbeat. She tried all over. I told her, "I'm trying not to panic." She told me to not panic yet that because of my Csections and scar tissue, it could be making it hard to hear the heartbeat. Finally after an eternity probably really no more than 10-15 minutes, she said we would do an ultrasound. Things were probably fine and I'd be on my way. The same thing happened with Lucas at 8 weeks, so I really wasn't worried at this point. I could tell Dr. Peppler wasn't that worried and I figured I would see the heartbeat, make my appointments, and call Joshua about my scare in the car. Someone was using the ultrasound, so I had to wait about 15 minutes before we could go down for it. I read some more of Krissi's book and tried to stay calm. I prayed that God would give me peace and my baby would be okay.

     Brittany came in and took me down to the ultrasound room. She said Dr. Peppler will be with you in just a minute. I hopped up on the table and read some more of book for a few minutes before Peppler came in. Once she got the machine on, I could tell immediately by the look on her face something was wrong. There was no heartbeat and my baby wasn't moving. She zoomed in and out several times and finally looked at me and said, "I'm sorry kiddo, the baby doesn't have a heartbeat." I started crying and she hugged me and told me how sorry she was. That it wasn't my fault; sometimes this just happens. The risk of miscarriage drops in the second trimester, but never completely goes away. Finally, I asked what we needed to do next. She said because I was so far along and I hadn't had an signs of miscarriage, she would need to do surgery to remove the baby. She told me she would let Brittany and the office manager know I would be calling to set it up. She said I should leave, not look at anybody, and call my husband. I should talk to him and call Brittany or Lacy to set up the procedure.

     I made it to my car before I completely lost it. I called Joshua multiple times. He wasn't answering his cell, and the store line was busy. Finally I got through on the store line and told the person who answered, "I need Mr. Shaw. It's an emergency.". Joshua got on the phone and asked what was wrong. Of course I was sobbing and had to repeat myself. He asked me how it happened? why it happened?. I told him I didn't know and Dr. Peppler said we may never know. He said, I'm coming home. Let me call my boss and make sure things here are taken care of. I called my sister a couple of times and couldn't get a hold of her. I called my friend Heather and I couldn't get a hold of her either. When I got home, I realized Elizabeth should be out of class, so I tried to call her and got no answer. I then sent her text letting her know I lost my baby. She immediately called me back. We were on the phone briefly before she got called to an ARD. Her husband Edwin called me to let me know about the ARD and that they loved me and were praying for me. He wanted to make sure I wasn't alone and that I had talked to Joshua. Elizabeth texted me later and asked me if I wanted her to let the administration know. She did that for me. The dean that is immediately over me texted me and told me he was sorry and they would get my class covered for the following day. I told him I would get Elizabeth everything she needed for the sub.

     My sister called after that. I told her what happened. She said she was bringing us dinner and bringing me a book to read when I'm ready. I still haven't looked at the book. I just not ready yet. I had texted our friends Heather and Joel. Joel immediately responded. He was sorry and praying. To let him know if we needed anything. Heather called me back when she saw the missed call and text. I wasn't in a good place when she called, so I kept it short. Joel and Heather have walked through some really difficult seasons of life with me, and it is so hard not having them right here with me. I had texted Krissi and LeighAnn to let them know I had lost my baby. They immediately said they were grieving with me  and praying.

     Joshua came home in the middle of all of that. I told Mom and Lucas. Luc didn't really understand, but just knew Mommy and everybody was really upset. Joshua took me to school to pick up Logan and give Elizabeth the stuff needed for the sub. I went to the classroom to find a book for the sub to read to my first graders. LeighAnn was teaching. She told me she was sorry. She told me that I would be able to try again. I really needed to hear that in that moment. To be reminded that we could try again if we wanted to. It doesn't change the fact that I want this baby, but it does give me hope that we can try again. I saw Elizabeth. She just hugged me and told me how sorry she was. That she would take care of school; that I shouldn't worry about it. I needed to worry about me and take care of myself and my boys. My dean immediately over me came down the hall about that time and hugged me. Told us he was sorry and praying for us. He told us healing would take time, but for me not to worry about school.

     We got Logan from the auditorium. He immediately knew something was up because I was obviously upset and Joshua was with me. I told him we would talk about it in the car. I climbed in the back with him and held his hand while I told him what had happened. I told him that they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat and we lost the baby. He asked if that meant the baby was with Jesus now. I told him yes. He told me, "It's okay mom, Jesus will take care of our baby." I explained that I was going to have to have surgery. That worried him. He was afraid something would happen to me too.

     We got home, fed him a snack, and worked on homework. Joshua called his mom and let her know. Both of our parents were pretty upset. I cried off and on all day. Joshua stayed close to me. I called to set up the surgery. I wanted to do it Tuesday, but the hospital didn't have time until Wednesday. Joshua called his boss and took Tuesday and Wednesday off. I worked on writing lesson plans for the sub and pulling work for Thursday as well. Every time I opened my mouth, I started crying. I couldn't believe my baby was gone. Logan was actually the one who explained to Lucas about the baby in a way he could understand. He told Lucas our baby's heart wasn't working. Our baby was with Jesus. Jesus was holding our baby and taking care of her. (The boys just knew along they were getting a sister.) Lucas came and told me. "Mommy our baby doesn't have a heart anymore. Jesus is holding her. He'll take care of our baby."

     The Monday before we had a sono and everything was great. The previous Thursday we had gotten positive test results telling us that there was a one in ten thousand chance of having a baby with the genetic disorders they had tested for.  I can't understand why we tried for 3 years and I couldn't get pregnant. We had almost given up hope, when we were surprised with this pregnancy. We were so happy. All four of us had wanted this and prayed for this so long. All my blood work and test results had been good. Then the baby is gone.

     We finally got brave enough to post the news on facebook late Monday night. Immediately family and friends sent us their love, prayers, and support. I cried as I read each message. I still cry when I read people prayers/messages for us. Many people have said that I'm strong and brave for sharing our journey. That's really not true. I'm a big broken mess. I have always striven to be a what you see is what you get person. I wouldn't be true to who I am, if I only let you see the good and not the broken. Several people have shared their stories with me, and I know from their experience in my head that I'll be okay eventually. It'll just take time-a lot of time. My heart whispers, "Not today and not anytime soon.".