Despair to Hope

     I woke up this morning in complete despair. Again. Completely overwhelmed in my grief. Hugging my empty belly and wallowing in self pity. In the middle of my pity party, God reminded me of the verse that says He is near the brokenhearted. So I went looking for that verse because I couldn't remember it word for word. I read through it several times, and began to feel better.

     This Sunday was baby dedications and sanctity of life Sunday. I knew I couldn't handle that today. It's way too soon for me. I feel bad (maybe guilty?) that I wasn't there to see our friends' baby dedications. I love those families so much, but I just didn't feel like I could handle it. I, however, knew I needed to be in Sunday school. I needed to be in God's Word with God's people. Joshua was really concerned about me; after I overdid it yesterday and spent the rest of the evening in pain, he really didn't want to take me. I told him with tears in my eyes, "I need this. Please take me to Sunday School and bring me home. I promise to be good, take a nap, and rest the rest of the day." I made good on that promise.

     I put on makeup for the second day in a row. I put on light eye make up though because I was afraid I would cry. Of course I cried. We received lots of hugs and love from our church family. Our sweet friend, Leah led our Sunday School class in prayer for our family. I cried of course, but really crying makes me feel better. One of the passages we read was 2 Peter 1:3-8. Scott talked about the importance of maturing in our faith. He said that if more Christians were focused on maturing to be more Christ like, our culture would be more reflective of that. In that moment, I was reminded that Jesus is going to use this loss to make Joshua and I more like Himself if we let Him. It's okay to feel these emotions and wrestle through them with God, but we have to choose to hold onto the hope and peace Jesus wants to give us, if we ask and if we receive it.

     Joshua sent me downstairs on the elevator to get Lucas while he went to get Logan. As I was getting in, my friend Sara handed me a gift bag. I thought she was asking me to take it downstairs for her, but she told me it was for me. I could tell it was a blanket with little birds on it, and I started to tear up. Joshua made it to Luc's class about the same time I did. I told him I needed to get to the car, so he sent Logan with me. While we were walking to the car, I pulled the card out of the bag and read it. She told me she didn't really have the words to say, but she made this prayer quilt for me and the three plus hours it took her to make it, she spent praying over me and my family. The tears were really flowing then. When Joshua made it to the car and saw me, he said, "I'm never putting you on the elevator by yourself again." I handed him the card to read. We were both blown away by the time, love, and prayer that went into making my blanket. I'm sitting in my recliner with my blanket as I type this.

     Our friends' hugs, Leah's prayer, Sara's quilt-they are all symbols of the hope we have in Christ Jesus. Jesus is carrying us through this loss, and our brothers and sisters in Christ are instruments of hope He is using to minister to us.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted

And saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18 (NASB)

Baby Steps

     I've begun taking baby steps back into the real world. Yesterday my brother took me to school to drop off some of Logan's completed work and to pick up the work he missed Friday. I put on one of my nicer sweatsuits, a cap, earrings, and wedding ring. I didn't put on makeup because I was afraid I would see someone and cry. Then my make up would run and I'd look like a bigger mess. If that were possible.

     While I was there, I saw LeighAnn, Todd, and Andrea in the lunchroom. I got hugs and words of encouragement. Before I went I was scared about how I would feel and how I would react. I teared up a couple of times, but really it felt good to be with friends who care about me and are praying for me. Then I went upstairs (I took the elevator) to see Elizabeth. She's become an awesome friend. Even though we've only known each a year and a half, it feels like we've been friends my whole life. I got more hugs and encouragement. On the way out, I saw Brent who let me know that he's praying for my family. He also checked on Logan because he's been out with fever. My brother was absolutely wonderful. He drove me, followed me around, and made sure I wasn't overdoing it. We were gone less than an hour, but I was completely worn out, hurting, and woozy by the time we got home. 

     This morning one of my dearest and best friends picked me up and took me to MiMi's Cafe for breakfast. I actually put on a little bit of make up for the first time since Monday when I found out I lost the baby. Heather and Joel just happened to be in town for the wedding of our dear friend, and we already had this breakfast date planned. Our other friend Rikki was suppose to join us, but wasn't able to. We ate breakfast and talked about life and how I'm feeling. I admitted to Heather that I felt guilty when I called her Monday morning because it had been awhile since I'd called her to chat and I'd called her because my world was ending. The last time I called her was actually to tell her I was pregnant. She assured me she's my friend and that is what she is here for. Heather and Joel both have walked through several hard seasons of life with me. They are more like family to me. When Heather dropped me off, Joshua said "you look tired, but I can tell your spirit is lifted. Time with Heather is always so good for you." 

     We also went to the wedding of our dear friend Jeff today. It was good for both of us to share in the joy of our friend. We sat with Heather, the boys and Miss Janice. Logan and Lucas were so excited to see their best buddies Josiah and Grayson. It did my heart good to see our boys back together and having fun. We were able to spend a little bit of time with Joel as well. We saw several friends from church who loved on us and let us know they are praying. Several of current and former youth group members were there and hugged me and loved on me as well. We had to leave early because I suddenly started cramping and was in quite a bit of pain. I overdid it today. I felt like because I was sitting most of the time I would be okay, but I guess I wasn't. I'm in the recliner with my feet propped up and I'm still hurting pretty badly and feeling pretty woozy. My boys are all being so good to me. Bringing me what I need and helping me to the restroom. 

     When you get married they say your sorrows are halved and your joys are doubled. After this week, I feel that way with my brothers and sisters in Christ as well. There have been many, many times when my grief, our grief would be about to completely overwhelm me/us to the point of paralyzation when someone would call, text, or message to let us know they love us and are praying. In those moments God would give me/us the grace and strength to continue on. I know that now it is dark and I don't think it'll ever be light again, but I see how God is providing exactly what we need when we need it; it'll be a long time before we are anywhere close to being okay. Today was the first day since we learned baby Shaw was gone that I felt like I might be okay eventually. I know we have a long road of healing ahead, but it starts with one step. 

     I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. 

Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; 

Yes, wait for the Lord. 

(Psalms 27:13, 14 NASB)

Our Baby is Gone

     My baby is gone. It's my first thought every morning when I wake up. This time last week I was excitedly discussing our baby with my ADK sisters. Tonight I'm holding back tears. Saturday morning I told the ladies I serve with on the women's ministry team that I couldn't take anything on after the Spring because everything was dependent on baby Shaw. Now I don't know what I'm going to do.

     Our trip to Yogi Bear Park was planned 5 weeks before my due date so we would have one more fun trip before baby Shaw. I've told Heather multiple times I would make a trip to Arkansas to see them while I could still travel. I wasn't sure when I would be able to come again because of the baby. We were going to do all these things around the house to prepare for the baby. 

     I feel empty. Our baby is gone. I feel lost. All of our plans have revolved around our sweet baby that we'll never hold. I stare at the empty bassinet in my bedroom and ask Why?. No answer comes. 

    I did normal things today with the boys like homework and ham sandwiches. I feel like I was just going through the motions. Doing what I have to do because it needs to be done. I feel guilty about that. Like I'm cheating my boys of their mom because I'm so overwhelmed with my own grief. 

     I want to breathe without it hurting and taking every ounce of energy I have. I want the desire to move on, but I'm afraid of the consequences of that. I'm afraid one day I'll wake up and my baby is gone won't be my first thought. I'm afraid that letting go of the pain means letting go of my baby and I don't want that. I'm afraid that holding on to the pain and the baby means that Joshua and Logan and Lucas won't get the best of me. They deserve way better than that. 

     Part of me died when my baby died. I can never go back and be that person again. Monday morning I told Brittany I wanted to fast forward to July so I could have my baby. Today I want to rewind to before I lost our baby. And live in that moment with my Joshua and my boys forever. 

     I feel empty, but I have hope. I feel lost, but I have peace. I'm overwhelmed, but I am comforted. Just when I feel I've reached the depths of despair, He whispers to me and reminds He is there. The Great I AM is what I need to pull me through. Jesus is everything I need when I need it. Before I even know I need it. 

And my God will supply your every need according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19 NET)

This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, 
(Hebrews 6:19, 20 NASB)

My Surgery

   This post is another I've written for myself. It's a long rambling mess not unlike myself today. It's mostly unedited. Maybe one day I'll go back and write about it again when I've had some distance and clarity. But this is where I am today-raw and emotional.

    Today was the day I said goodbye to my baby. I woke up this morning in a state of despair. I cried off and on. The truth is I didn't want them to take my baby. I spent the morning lying in bed reading Scripture, messages from friends, and Windchaser by my sweet friend, Krissi Dallas. The Island Krissi created has been a much needed escape for me.

     And to top it off, both my boys started with fever late last night. Lucas hasn't had anymore, but Logan has all day. Anyway, I got dressed and made sure I had the Scripture hearts Leah made for me. I pulled myself together to go to the hospital. Well I thought I did. I lost it every time I had to tell someone what procedure I was having done. And when I had to sign the paper that stated the reason for procedure was a missed abortion.  And then I lost it again when the nurse said it and then clarified that it meant miscarriage. Then I lost it when she asked me how old my other children were. She did get a small smile when she told me I didn't look old enough to have a 7 year old or be 31.And I lost it again when I asked my doctor what was going to happen to my baby and she explained it to me in the gentlest way possible. 

 

     After Dr. Peppler left to tell them she was ready, Joshua hugged me while I cried. He told me he loved me. That our baby was already gone. And that it would be okay. Then he kissed me on top of my head, told me again that he loves, and he would be waiting for me. At that moment everyone came back in the room to get me. They gave me the relaxer before I left the room. I made it into the hallway before I was out. The procedure from start to finish took just over an hour.

     When I woke up (it only took 30 minutes) I was crying, "My baby is gone. My baby is gone." I had a male nurse in recovery and I felt bad for him. I was a mess. Then I was crying for Joshua. They told me they were trying to find him. I was so relieved when he made it to my side. Poor guy, the one time he went to the restroom was when they were trying to find him for me. Then I was confused because I was wearing a different gown. I was a mess. 

     Once they took me back to my room, I lifted up the blanket and saw my tummy. It was much flatter than I expected it to be. That brought the tears again. Joshua held me and whispered that he loves me and it'll be okay. Then I shared some thoughts with him that made me feel guilty that I had had them. I won't share them here because I fear they would cause hurt for some people close to me that I love dearly. 

     The pharmacy texted there was a problem with one of my prescriptions. Joshua called them and they said it wouldn't be ready until 2pm tomorrow. Joshua flipped out and got them to call around and find a pharmacy that had the medicine in stock. I would've cried and said okay. Joshua is much better at handling things like that. It was frustrating at first because they wouldn't tell him which medicine it was. We knew I was suppose to have 4 scripts. Finally they told Joshua which one it was after he flipped out. He got them to call and find a pharmacy close to us that had it in stock because it couldn't wait. It's a medication I take every six hours for six doses. Dr. Peppler had Brittany call it in from her office so I would have it when I needed my second dose. They transferred the prescription and told Joshua it would be ready in an hour and half. That was okay because it should be ready about the time I got home. Joshua got off the phone and apologized. He told me if we couldn't get this, we need to know now so the nurse can get Dr. Peppler to write you a different prescription. You need this medicine. 

      As the anesthesia wore off, I began to feel better. They got my pain under control pretty quickly. I had the best nurse. She was compassionate and encouraging. Never pushy. She brought me water, then 7Up and crackers. She took care of Joshua too. Before we left, I thanked her for being a great nurse. She smiled and said thank you I never know what to say in your situation.  As she wheeled me down to the car, she told me you have a great husband. He seems so supportive and willing to do whatever you need. I can tell he really loves. Not all husband are like that. He's hurting too, but you're his priority.

     On the way home, the pharmacy texted to let us know our prescription was ready. We stopped to pick it up, and then stopped close to home to drop the other prescriptions off. Joshua took me to Sonic for a vanilla coke and then took me home. Once he got me settled, he went to Brooklyn's Best Pizza around the corner and got me dinner.

     My boys were so glad to see me when I got home. They kept hugging me and telling me they missed me. Logan climbed up next to me and told me he was sorry I was hurting, but he was glad I didn't have to go through the pain of having the baby. I've had CSections and Logan remembered how much pain I had been in and how hard it was for me to get around. That made me tear up in a good way. Logan has his daddy's compassionate heart. Logan has said so many timely things to me that made me feel grateful and better. Then Lucas brought his baby book to me and we looked at it together. That helped me too. I was focusing on good times instead of my loss. 

     One regret I have is I never took a baby bump picture. I was going to with the update from Monday's doctor appointment. Then I found out we lost our baby. I've been so overwhelmed with grief that I forgot about doing it until it was too late. 

     I'm very thankful to those who have reached out to me and those who have reached out to my Joshua and my boys. Thank you for sharing our grief and sharing your journey through loss with us. It gives us courage and hope to know we are not alone. 

How I Feel

Warning: This post is as close to how I feel as I can put into words. I really don't have words that can adequately express how I feel. When asked, my response has been "I'm as okay as I can be." "I'm not okay, but I will be one day." or something else along those lines. This is pretty raw and mostly unedited. 

This post really is for me. So that one day when I'm on the other side of this valley I can reflect and praise God for where He brought me from and for how He made me more like Him through this experience. That hope is what is getting me through each moment. 

I'm angry for Joshua that he never heard our baby's heartbeat or saw the baby move on the ultrasound.

I'm devastated that Logan said he would trade his life for the baby's life. That he will never hold the baby he prayed so long and hard for. That this baby will never know how much Logan or any of us loved him or her. 

It's heart wrenching every time I hear Lucas say that his baby's heart stopped and his baby is with Jesus. 

The truth is we don't know what to say to you anymore than you know what to say to us. We appreciate every word, prayer, and gesture spoken or done on our behalf and, we can feel the love behind them. Thank you for reaching out during this difficult time. We love you. 

Stars Game

     Tonight Logan and I went with our church youth group to the Dallas Stars game. Lucas is very much a mama's boy right now and doesn't like to share me with Logan. This was a good opportunity for Lo and I to spend some time together.

     I think Logan was most excited about riding the church bus (at first anyway). On the way to church he told me, "This is my second time to ride the bus! I love riding the bus!"

     He was excited when we arrived at the American Airlines Center. He has been there several times to watch WWE wrestling with daddy. We sat in the top section. He was a little nervous at first because we were so high up. He quickly got over that though. 

      Logan ate almost a whole soft pretzel and three fourths of a tray of nachos. I ate candied pecans. I LOVE those candied pecans. 

     The Stars did loose to the New York Islanders 4-2. The last three goals by the Islanders were scored in the last five minutes of the game. We both really enjoyed the game. Logan said he wants to watch it on TV sometimes and for daddy to bring is to another game. On the way home, he told Joshua, "I want you to take us to a game. If you don't want to watch, you can stay in the car." (Joshua isn't a big sports fan.)

     After the game, we went down to section 117 and heard the GM of the Stars share his testimony. After he shared his testimony, he answered a few questions. He talked about the importance of reading your Bible daily and surrounding yourself with godly friends. 

     I'm so thankful for the teens at our church. They love on my boys and interact with them. They are genuinely interested in them. They are always careful of what they say and do in front of my boys. I don't think the students realize what a huge ministry it is to me that they love my boys so much. 

 

     Logan and I had so much fun! I'm so thankful the memories we made tonight!

We Love JJ!!!

"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well."

(Psalms 139:14 NASB)