The Bassinet

     We have this bassinet that is so special to us. We were given the money to purchase it right before Logan was born. I remember Joshua taking me to buy it. It was actually my second choice. The one I had been eyeing for months had sold out and was discontinued. We got it home and Joshua put it together for me. 

     The next baby to sleep in the bassinet was Josiah. I remember Heather emailing me pictures of it in the nursery with Harley (their dog) checking it out before Siah's arrival. After that the bassinet continued to be passed around our circle of friends. It made its way back to us before Lucas was born. Then it made the rounds again. Logan and I took it the Hesters so Hannah could sleep it. My nephew Kyle slept in it. And so many other sweet babies slept in it too. 

     Logan just knew he was going to sleep on the bottom while baby Luc slept in the top. 

     Shortly before we miscarried Liana, the bassinet had made its way back to us again. We had set it up in our room since we were going to be using it in a few months anyway. Then we lost her. I would sit on the edge of the bed staring at that empty bassinet crying. As painful as it was to see the empty bassinet I couldn't let it go. 

     A week ago today, Lucas started kindergarten. A week ago today, Joshua put away the bassinet. It was past time to do it. I fought Joshua about it until he looked at me and gently said, "That empty bassinet is a painful reminder of Liana's death. And it's a reminder that God hasn't given us anymore babies." 

     I realized how selfish I've been. I was holding onto Liana by holding onto the bassinet. I was blinded by my own pain and grief; I couldn't see how hard it was for Joshua to look at that empty bassinet every day. I said, "Okay." And let him pack it away. It's been hard. In some ways I've felt like I lost her all over again. 

     Maybe just maybe, one day, we'll get to unpack it and use it again. But even if we don't, I'll always think of all the sweet babies who slept in that bassinet. 

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.”

Psalms 27:13-14 NASB