Perspective

     God used snow today to give me an important reminder. From my perspective at school, today was a beautiful winter wonderland. But it was also icy and potentially dangerous. I worried about how my mom would get up the hill to pick up Logan when he started running a fever and had to go home early, and I worried how they would safely get down. Then she would have to do it again to pick me up after school. As I watched cars slide in the parking lot, I worried about mom and the boys getting out on the roads to come pick me up. Then I heard Fort Worth ISD closed, and it made me worry me because we live in Arlington. Surely it must be getting bad in Arlington because we're so close to Fort Worth and they closed schools. I was relieved when they decided to dismiss school at 1:00, but still worried about mom and the boys getting out to get me. My mom promised me when she talked to me that the highways were clear between our house and school. She promised her and the boys would be safe. But I couldn't see that. All I could see was a parking lot covered with snow with icy patches and cars sliding. As I carefully made my way across the parking lot in heels to the car, I worried about the drive home.

     Once we made it slowly and carefully down the hill and back on the highway, my perspective began to change. Yes there were a few icy patches on the sides of the bridges. However, most of the roads were clear going home. Although I could see where things will be icy in the morning, things didn't seem so dangerous or scary once I was actually out there. 

     Right now from my perspective, my world is bleak and dark. I see such a tiny glimmer of light in the distance that at times the darkness seems to overwhelm. But I can't see the bigger picture yet. I can't see the joys and victories the Lord has for me. I can't see the good times He's going to bring me. I can't see the person He's shaping me into through this experience. But I can choose to trust in my heart that He has joy and victories and good times ahead for me. Because He does. He has been faithful in the past, and He will continue to be faithful to me today and in the future. I just have to be patient and wait for Him to reveal more and more of His perspective to me.

Delighting in Obedience

     Delight and obedience aren't two words I usually think belong together. God is showing me that obedience, even during difficult times leads to joy even when you think joy isn't possible.

      My worth is defined by who I am in Christ. I am the forgiven and accepted child of the King, but I don't always act like it. I have to be obedient and choose to accept and live like the forgiven and accepted child I am. I no longer have to live in condemnation, yet sometimes, I still choose to live under guilt rather than being obedient to the call of freedom on my life. God wants me to make choices that demonstrate I'm His accepted and forgiven child who is no longer under guilt. That takes obedience.

      I have to choose to believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14) rather than believing I'm not skinny enough or pretty enough compared to what the scale or culture is telling me. He is the Bread of Life that satisfies my soul (John 6:51) in a way that no food nor any earthly possession or relationship ever could.

     I have to choose to believe that I'm a work in progress and God will complete His work in me (Phil. 1:6). This miscarriage, this dark valley is part of the work He is doing to make me more like Him. On the days I choose to believe that this loss and pain is part of the work He is doing, I can find reasons to hope and be thankful. I even see glimpses of joy. On the days I choose to focus on the pain and loss are the days that are the hardest and most discouraging. I'm overwhelmed in my grief.

     I know grieving is a process, but I still have to be obedient to what He's calling me to do in the midst of the pain. I have to grieve as one who has the hope of eternity because as His child I do have that hope. He will bring something good and beautiful of this pain. It just takes time.

     So I delight in obedience by celebrating the fact that I chose to pull out my Scripture cards rather than eat a cookie or bowl of ice cream that isn't beneficial for me. I celebrate when I focus on the blessings in my life or the good things I know God wants to give me through obedience rather than wallowing in self pity.

     Delighting in obedience is choosing to believe and live out the truth of who I am in Christ and results in living victoriously through Him! 

JJ's Big Announcement!

See this sweet girl.

She's going to be a big sister. Her sibling is set to arrive around (possibly before) her first birthday! We are all so excited!!!

"The Lord has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy."

Psalm 126:3 (NIV)

A Hard Thing

     God is asking me to do a hard thing. It started last week when Lucas prayed, "Thank you God for taking care of my baby." It was heart wrenching and heart warming at the same time. Honestly, I can't say that. I just want my baby growing in my belly. I can't be thankful that my baby is gone.

     Then Saturday when Logan and I went for our run, before I could consciously think about it, I started praying. I told God, "I can't tell You thank You. Right now I don't even want to tell You thank You. I just want my baby. Please give me the desire to thank You for taking care of my baby because I'm about as far away from thankful about that that I can get." Those had words had tumbled from my mouth before I really even had a chance to think about them.

      This morning I was working on my Bible study before school. It was about being thankful in all circumstances. Including pain. God spoke to me and said, "Kaydi, you have to thankful for your miscarriage."

      "I don't want to." Spoken like a stubborn, rebellious child who can't see past herself.

    Honestly, I'm not thankful for my miscarriage. I don't want to be thankful for my miscarriage. And yet I hear Him telling me it's for my good. It's to make me more like His Son. I know these things are true. I know everything He allows me to go through is for my good and to make me more like Himself.

     I saw LeighAnn before school this morning. She asked how I'm doing. I told her I shouldn't have done my Bible study before school this morning. I should've waited until tonight. She looked at me. And I told her, "He's asking me to do a hard thing. He wants me to thankful and I don't want to be. So right now, I'm praying He'll give me the desire to be thankful." She smiled and said, "Desire is half the battle." So for now I pray for the desire to be thankful in the midst of my pain.

"God, I know I need to be thankful for my miscarriage. I know it's for my good. I know it's making me more like You. But I don't want to be thankful. I'm about as far from wanting to be thankful as I can be. Give me the desire to want to be thankful for losing my baby. I need Your strength because I can't do it on my own. Use it for Your glory. I want my baby's life to bring You glory."

"Give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

I Thessalonians 5:18 (ESV) 

    

Logan's Pre Op Appointment

     This afternoon Logan and I went to his pre op appointment with Robin at the Gastro specialist office. He is having an EGD next Monday. This will be his fourth one. We are hoping this time to confirm he has reflux issues that are causing his tummy troubles. He (We) are really thankful we are not doing the colon cleanse and colonoscopy like we did the other three times.

     We valet parked and were able to check in at the kiosk with no wait. We went up to the GI clinic and received our pager. Logan sat down and played bowling on their touch screen. We waited less than 10 minutes before they called us back. 

     They checked Logan's weight, height, and blood pressure. Logan's bp was good, and he now weighs 47.3 lbs. They took us to the exam room, and Robin came in almost immediately. We discussed how Logan's tummy troubles were, how the reflux medicine is working, and reviewed what they'll do during the procedures. After they scope Logan, they're going to insert a wire camera that is rubber coated through his nose down his throat and upper GI tract to record what is happening with his reflux. They said this is more accurate than an upper GI. It'll stay in until Tuesday morning. Then Joshua will pull it out and drop it off at the hospital on his way to work. Robin said it shouldn't be too uncomfortable, but we'll see. Logan was so relieved to find out they were not doing blood work this time. He has been dreading it for days. They called us back at 2:15 (our appointment time) and we were checking at 2:31. We are thankful for the quick visit.

 

     Thank you to all of you who prayed peace for Logan today! We are praying that we finally get the answers we need about Logan's tummy issues.

Tonight I'm Thankful

     Tonight I'm thankful for these sweet boys and how much they love each other. These boys and their daddy are my heart. I couldn't walk this dark journey without them. Love them. So. Much.

5K Training with Logan

     Logan and I began training to run a 5K today. We were training when I got pregnant. Running made me so sick I had to stop. I promised Logan we would train and run a 5K after the baby. After the baby came a lot sooner than we thought, but we are doing a 5K!!!

     Dr. Peppler cleared me for running when I saw her Wednesday. This morning we went for our first run. I expected it to be hard and awful. I expected that I would be huffing and puffing and dying by the end. But it was actually AWESOME!!! I felt great during the whole run and even better after. Something that really helps me is when we are doing the actual run part I pick a different person or situation to pray for during that run. Today I prayed for 8 different people or situations. Then Logan and I talk during the walks. Actually Logan mostly talks and I listen. I learn so much about him and from him during the walks. He was happy we were back running together. It brought my heart joy to see him smiling and happy like old times. These brief moments of joy show me the Lord will restore my joy to me. It just takes time. 

     

     The Lord used my prayer/run time to show me a few things I need to pray about and change. I'm not quite ready to share them here yet because I need to work through them a bit first, but I will share when I feel the time is right. 

     Feeling good after our run! 

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 3:13b-14 (ESV)